shuttie/dadjokes

1"question","response"2"I asked my priest how he gets holy water","He said it’s just regular water, he just boils the hell out of it"3"Life Hack: If you play My Chemical Romance loud enough in your yard","your grass will cut itself"4"OMG. SISTERS. JAMES. CHARLES. IS. DOING. A","GIVEAWAY his career"5"Why did Mr.  Potato Head get pulled over","He was baked"6"On zombie cravings.  My kids and i had some fun with these on a car trip this past weekend.   What do zombie plumbers crave.  Draaaaains.   What do zombie pilots crave.  Planes.  Plaaaanes.   What do zombie conductors crave.  Traaaains.   What do zombie opthalmologists crave.  Fraaames.   What do zombie construction workers crave.  Craaanes.   What do zombie nurses crave.  Paaains.   What do vampires crave","Blood"7"My wife is really mad at the fact that. I have no sense of direction. So","I packed up my stuff and right"8"My dad made a joke in court.  In court he had to prove that he had a relationship with his father by answering some questions about him.  He was asked how his dad liked to have his pie.  He replied with  well with fork or spoon I would think","The judge laughed"9"Back when. I was in a band. I had a roadie that was from. Poland. I also had a","Czech one too, czech one too"10"How did the Mexican John Wick taste his Burrito","He took Juan Lick"11"My wife said, “Why do you always insist on walking ahead of the rest of us. ” I said, “Sorry","I don’t follow"12"What do you call it when a pig loses its memory","Hamnesia"13"I was reading a book on the History of Glue earlier","I couldn't put it down"14"My slow cooker.  (x post /r/funny) http://i. imgur. com/osGKwl5","jpg"15"My GFs Dad commented on my Facebook Pic http://imgur","com/sTv7AMC"16"How did the programmer get high","By doing lines of code"17"Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle.  Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.   Me: Trick question","dogs can't whistle"18"Why are feet so great","Because they are living legends"19"What did the black duck call the white ducks","Quackas"20"Little did. Trump know before he became","President... ."21"Learn from your parents mistakes","Use birth control"22"We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit","I guess the pervert thinks of them as sex cymbals"23"What goes  99 bonk","A centipede with a wooden leg"24"I was starting to get concerned that my pony was having trouble neighing. Then","I realized it’s probably because he’s just a little horse"25"If money doesn't grow on trees","then why do banks have branches"26"I showed. Reddit to my gf, now she hangs here all day long","I kinda regreddit..."27"The other day I was second guessing my decision to book time to visit a Native American community","It was a reservation reservation reservation"28"Do you know where I store all these dad jokes","In my dadabase"29"A pirate walks into a bar wearing a turban made out of paper towels.  Bartender: What the hell","Pirate: Arrr, there is a Bounty on me head"30"Grandpa hit me with this one while we were hoeing around some trees.  We were cutting out some weeds and the handle of his favorite hoe broke in two pieces.   He said  Oh man that was my favorite hoe.   At least I've still got your grandmother","Good one grandpa"31"To the person who stole my glasses. Remember,","I have contacts"32"Why do you measure a snake in inches","Because they don’t have any feet"33"Last night I dreamt that I was a muffler on a car","Woke up exhausted"34"And everybody's invited.  Taking a shit.  Daughter and dog come storming through the door and want to hang out in the bathroom.  Mom asks what's going on","It's a real shit show in here"35"“I’ll call you later. ” “Please don’t do that","I’ve always asked you to call me Dad"36"Yesterday. I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says. I'm okay, but. I feel like","I've dyed a little inside."37"I had a job interview at the zoo yesterday They didn't hire me","They said I was underkoalafied"38"I got some good tips on how to spice my roast chicken I guess you could say it was","sage advice"39"What do kids learn at pirate school","The three arrrs"40"If he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes","You need to let that mango"41"Remember when air at the gas station used to be free.  Now it costs 25 cents, 50 cents, I've even seen a dollar at one place.  You know why they started charging for it","Inflation"42"I had a joke about alzheimers. But","I forgot the punchline"43"I had a dream I was a car","I woke up exhausted"44"Everytime we are at a restaurant. Waiter/waitress: sir how would you like your (eggs, burger, ect). Dad: orally please","Still cracks me up every time"45"Heh.  http://i. imgur. com/PB7NuVc","jpg"46"How do you comfort a frightened grammar nazi","There there, they're there"47"Dad joked by a girl graduating to become a labor and delivery nurse","Her graduation cap read:  L&D nurse, at your cervix"48"I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.  I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me","And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them"49"My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was .  My response was  Of course, it's a house made of steaks.  Except the floor of course.  That's made of ground beef","Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room"50"How do you know if there's ducks in your roof","There's quacks in the ceiling"51"How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator in three steps.  Open the refrigerator door 2.  Put the elephant in 3","Close the refrigerator door"52"My grandfather sat me down for a talk.  He put his hand on my shoulder and solemnly said,   Guess who's back.     Who","Yours"53"What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass","Lawn-Forcement"54"Whats the best thing about free wigs","You don't have toupee for them"55"The furniture store won’t stop calling me","All I wanted was one night stand"56"How bad does my kids want to watch Shaun the Sheep","Really Ba-a-a-a-a-ad"57"The bartender said  We don't serve time travelers here","A time traveler walks into a bar"58"Me: Did you hear Reese ‘whats-her-name’ stabbed somebody.  Kids: Witherspoon","Me: No, with a knife"59"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for fresh prints"60"What do you call Dracula with hayfever","The pollen count"61"How do you catch a mag fish","With a magnet"62"A pun walks into a room and kills ten people","Pun in, ten dead"63"I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks","In case I get a hole in one"64"I sat at the park for 3 hours today just staring at a frog","It was ribbiting"65"You know what’s odd","Every other number"66"This hipster got upset when his man bun was cut off","He really lost his cool"67"What kinds of bird never has babies","A swallow"68"Got dad joked hard while shopping yesterday My dad and I go up to the cash register at a clothing store to pay for some shorts.  My dad asks the cashier  Do you take chips","(Credit card chip readers) Without hesitation the cashier goes  Yes sir and we have salsa to go with that  and holds up a fresh jar of salsa from behind the register"69"A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks","Do you sell flip flips"70"What’s a communist’s favorite unit of time","Hours"71"My girlfriend makes costumes for my university's drama department.  One day I asked her.  Is something wrong","You seamstressed"72"Where can you read about planets exploding","In the orbituaries"73"What do you call the first Hawaiian in space","A Coconaut"74"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack"75"My doctors name is Peter Parker","But I just call him Web MD"76"A fruit fly lands on my iPhone.  I shoo it away and it keeps coming back.    Me: this fruit fly won't leave my phone alone.  It keeps coming back","Boyfriend: Well, it is an apple"77"When my family went to France I made sure we avoided the Eiffel tower because I was afraid it would suck our blood","It is a Paris site"78"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta"79"Don't spell part backwards","It's a trap"80"My dad just dropped this on my sister. Sister:. Dammit my computer keeps freezing. Dad: put a little sweater on it. Then her and","I let out groans"81"I was running a bath the other day and had to pop to the kitchen quickly, my gf shouted after me:  Don't leave the bath running","I shouted back at her:  Don't worry; it won't get very far"82"How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is","Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now"83"Don't throw sodium chloride at people","That's a salt"84"When the nurses ask me how tall. I am. I tell them 5’10. I used to be taller but","I got married and settled down."85"What's a dog's least favorite Christmas song","Fleas Navidad"86"What does a Norse god do when they don’t want to attract attention","They stay low key (Loki)"87"One of us is possessed by an owl Son: who","Me: found it"88"My biology teacher asked  What's heavier, the Indian or African elephant","I said  The elephant obviously"89"My friend glued both his hands to his pistols.  Everyone told him it was a bad idea, but he insisted they were all wrong","He's sticking to his guns"90"I was playing Trivia Crack, and I (jokingly) asked out loud which state Philadelphia is in","My dad said  decay"91"What do you call a dog with no legs","Doesn’t matter, he won’t come when he’s called anyway"92"Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head. When","I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature."93"I admit to everyone on here that. I have a masterbation addiction","It’s cumpulsive"94"Customer at work paid with $100 bill and ask for his change in smaller bills","Sorry sir, all the bills are the same size"95"One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music. I think it’s the","Chopin board."96"Customer contemplates buying a cord and then says:  Don't know if it'll work but might as well take a shot","Lincoln did"97"Conjunctivitis","com Now that's a site for sore eyes"98"What do your call a campground you just drove by","Past tents"99"How did the hot dog ask out his crush","He mustard up the courage"100"Why was Yoda afraid of seven","Because six, seven eight"101"What is a birds favourite port on the back of a TV","AV in"102"What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass","Take a pitcher, it'll last longer"103"My daughter told me her ear was bothering her","So I asked if it was ear-itated"104"What do you call a sleep walking nun","A roamin’ Catholic"105"True dad encounter at the shops Shop assistant:  sir do you have a smaller bill.   Dad:  no but you can rip that one in half",""106"Drilling for oil","is boring"107"Made a customer groan tonight.  A man and his wife came up to the counter and he placed down a hunting magazine he wanted to buy.  She scoffed at it and said at least it isn't a girly magazine.    I replied,  Well, she is a Fox.   She just shook her head and groaned while the husband gave me a silent nod of approval","The cover of the magazine was a fox"108"Both my ex and I were born in July She said I was a crab","I said she was cancer"109"I dated a one legged girl who worked at the brewery","She was in charge of the hops"110"Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia","Me: Wait, I can explain everything"111"In my opinion more people should write more jokes about frisbee's","Discus"112"I had a friend who always said","I put the sexy in dyslexic"113"I finally read that book on clocks","It was about time"114"Son: Where are my sunglasses.  Dad: I don't know.  where are my dadglasses","Courtesy of my dad, from just a few minutes ago"115"Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.  But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other.  Do you know why","More geese on that side"116"Wy don't anteaters get sick.  Beasuse they are full of anti-bodies",":)"117"GOAT. So. I asked a goat how she's doing and she said","Mehhhh."118"Why did the captain hate his boat's anchor","It was a piece of ship"119"What did Obama say when Canada's prime minister insults him","Tru tho"120"My dad was watching a Western and I walked in Me: so Clint Eastwood is in this movie.   Dad: Yes.  Me: Ah, whats he doing in this movie","Dad: Acting"121"Son: “I know dad, 6 is afraid cause 7, 8, 9.  Haha /s” Dad: “But do you know why 7 ate 9. ” Son:","Dad: “Because you’re supposed to eat 3 square meals a day"122"HP Dadjoke Imagine if Sirius got married and has a kid and they were arguing and his kid was like 'Are you serious. ' and he's be so torn.  What dad joke does he make.  'Why yes I am Sirius' or 'No I'm not serius, I am dad'.  Which one.  Which one would he make","I found this on the internet today and it was too funny not to share"123"When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit","” He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut"124"Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar.  Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it","It's half empty"125"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right"126"I just screamed at a well-bronzed man at the beach","Sorry for going off on a tan gent"127"While walking through the corn maze today my son got us The three year old was asking him where he was, and the eight year old said- I am standing at the corner.   Get it.  Corn-er","Little bastard is on point"128"My neighbor said he's too scared to grow an apple tree","I told him to grow a pear"129"What did the 0 say to the 10","Where did you find the one"130"Why are teddy bears never hungry","Because they’re always stuffed"131"A gravedigger exhumed Beethoven's casket.  He opened the lid and there was Ludwig.  maddenly erasing sheets of his greatest works.   Just as I thought.   said the gravedigger","He's decomposing"132"They say you are what you eat","Can anyone give me a list of foods classified as  rich?"133"Dad joked my girl friend about her Brazilian wax She was talking to me about getting a Brazilian wax done.   Her: This place only uses hard wax, which I found interesting.  Sometimes they use hard and soft wax too.    Me: I guess there is more than one way to skin a cat.    I received the best response a dadjoke can get","The Facepalm"134"What do you call it when your salad is taken over by bread","A crou d'ton"135"Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant","Because Ken comes in another box"136"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.  The second best time.  was 19 years ago","*source: dad*"137"Wife: I haven't seen you use the bathroom all week Me: No shit","I'm constipated"138"What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe","Roberto"139"My girlfriend asked me how I slept last night","Lying down with my eyes closed"140"Dad, are we pyromaniacs","Yes, we arson"141"Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed","Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA"142"My daughter has learnt well My 8 year old came home from school and on the car trip home  Daughter: mum I bet I can make you say black  Wife: oh really.   Daughter: what color is that car  Wife: Blue.   Daughter: And that tree.   Wife: Brown  Daughter: told you I could make you say brown  Wife: no you said black","I have never been more proud"143"From another 7 year old; my son laid this one on me last night and I'd never heard it.  Why did the cyclops quit teaching","Because he only had one pupil"144"My brother broke three toes playing soccer.  Mom is driving to the hospital and Dad is sitting in the back trying to calm my brother down.    Dad:  Can't you drive faster","There's trouble afoot"145"I told my mum about how I fixed my computer","I made my motherboard"146"The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.  Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south","Thank you and goodnight"147"Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling","His cyst-er"148"The other day I held the door open for a clown","I thought it was a nice jester"149"Why doesn't Thor keep his hammer by his chest","Because that's where his thorax is"150"Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season","They fast during Lent"151"I rear ended a car with a Jesus bumper sticker on it","I stopped in the name of the Lord"152"My chiropractor started talking politics today. He was trying to see which way","I was leaning"153"I was born straight out of Compton","Compton just happens to be my mother's maiden name"154"What did the horses say when their friend dressed up","You look dashing"155"Should I tell a chemistry joke","- Na - K"156"How do you dehydrate your grapes faster","By raisin the roof"157"A friend of my Father had owed him money for a while He mentioned that because of him he's changed his policy, and always gets paid ahead.     A head","And I thought an arm and a leg was bad"158"On my first day as a pilot, I looked down nervously and asked: “What are all these buttons for","” And my copilot responded: “They keep your shirt closed”"159"What did the horse say when it fell","help I've fallen and I can't giddyup"160"If you could pay someone with chicken","It would be chicken tender"161"The reason midget doctors are always angry","Is because they have very little patients"162"Hear about the disease that wiped out the shellfish beds","It was a clamity"163"Toasters","Invented popup notification"164"What were the founding father's favorite cereals","Chex and Balance"165"Why do birds fly south for the winter","Because it's too far to walk"166"RIP boiling water","You will be mist"167"Sister:  My ears keep ringing","Dad:  Well, why don't you answer them"168"A bunch of Dads lined up and patiently waited 7 days for a drink","Apparently they're okay with a week punch line"169"What did the fruit seller do when his grapes dried out","He started raisin his prices"170"My dad got so mad when the cow crushed his foot and it had to be amputated","He's so lactoes intolerant"171"What animal is shaped like a square","A squarrel"172"Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday.  This year's were some of his worst (best) work.  http://imgur","com/a/1qKYz"173"I was fired from the keyboard factory today","I wasn't putting in enough shifts"174"Did you know lumberjacks are into classical music","They're really into Chopin"175"Why was the duck killed and eaten for spying on others. Probably cos it was a","Peking duck"176"What time does Roger Federer go to bed","Tennish"177"At my brother's gf's house talking about their recent trip to Malta (they're maltese) the mum: Yeah, it's not like melbourne there, where here you see chinese shops, indian shops, greek shops etc","there, it's all maltese  me: oh I dont know, I've found Malta to be very Malta-cultural  Noone took notice of it, but my brother looked back at me as if to say  you sly dog, you"178"A future dad in the making (x-post from /r/funny) From the [original post](http://www. reddit. com/r/funny/comments/2yl394/my_3_year_old_made_me_run_up_the_stairs_after/) title:  > My 3 year old made me run up the stairs after yelling,  Dada.  There's a sea of water on the counter.    [I see what you did there, kid. ](http://i. imgur. com/cYRVDLb","jpg)"179"I was shoveling the snow off the driveway with my son today","He said,  Dad, can't you just use a shovel"180"Toilet paper So I was sitting on the couch with my dad, and we are watching a toilet paper commercial, he says  which hand do you wipe your ass with  I say  my right hand  he says  huh, that's weird, I use toilet paper","*sigh*"181"How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb.  Two","One to screw it in most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end"182"Why did Snoop Dogg bring his umbrella outside","Fo drizzle"183"a termite walked into a bar and asked","is the bartender here"184"What is the difference between a cat and a comma.  One has claws at the end of its paws","The other is a pause at the end of a clause"185"Why does Waldo wear stripes","Because he doesn't wanna be spotted"186"I️ used to work at a calendar factory. I️ got fired because","I️ took a couple days off"187"Got the server, fiancee groaned Went out for dinner with some friends.  They got the table before us, so we join them.  Server comes by and says,  Oh you have some new faces   It's only new to you, I've had this face for a while","Fiancee put her face in her hands and groaned"188"What do you call a sad coffee","A depresso"189"Bee keepers have the prettiest eyes","Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder"190"Why do Carpenters make good Chiropractors","They already know a lot about lumbar"191"At least twice a week, someone will confuse me with. Stephen. King’s son,Joe. I’m not","Joking."192"I was on a safari in Africa when one of the tourists asked our guide, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs","” He said, “No, they usually come that way"193"We were watching a documentary on prisons.  The documentary mentioned how some inmates try to sneak in cell phones by sticking it up their butt.  Without hesitation I responded with  I bet you they get crappy reception.   then my wife gave out the longest sigh","I think I'm getting the hang of this"194"Just got my friend with a classic  Did you get a haircut.    Yeah, well I actually got a whole bunch of them cut","You know I've killed people for less than that"195"While I was cooking for my kids today, I cut my finger chopping cheese","but I think that I may have grater problems"196"If the Red Cross did an orchestral fundraising event","They could call it The Big Band Aid"197"My husband and kids are upset that. I put pepper on their pizza","They really loved that guinea pig."198"My dad keeps telling jokes about his eyes","They're getting cornea and cornea"199"This Happened Today at Dinner \*sister takes out the trash but doesn't replace the trash bag\*  Dad:  hey do you have a whole butt.    Sister: \*blinks\*  what.    Dad:  do you have a whole butt.  or do you have a half butt.    Sister:  uh I am pretty sure a whole butt","Dad: \*points to trashcan\*  then why did you half ass the job"200"I purchased a dog from the blacksmith today","As soon as a got him home he made a bolt for the door"201"I wasn't sure how to re-build our fence when it started sagging. So","I checked r/dadjokes, to see how other people repost"202"You'll never have a more reliable friend than a calculator","You can always count on them"203"I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend","She was seeing other people"204"If you are attacking clowns","Go for the juggler"205"Dad: You look cold, son","Try standing in the corner They are usually around 90 degrees"206"Why did the cowboy get a dachshund","Someone told him to get a long little doggie"207"Just got my roommate. She said  I don't know how to spell in spanish  to herself mostly, but loud enough for me to say   Well you start with. I-N then follow with. S-P-A-N-I-S-H . Now","I'm a target for a hit squad."208"You know when you see birds flying together in a “V” shape there’s always one side of the V that’s longer.  Do you know why that is","There’s more birds on that side"209"The shoebox We were picking out photos for our uncles funeral, and my aunt was bringing in boxes of pictures.    My brother looks up and says,  Wow.  Are those all pictures, even the shoebox.    My dad looks up from his laptop and replies with:  No.  The shoebox is just a shoebox","There are pictures inside of it though"210"Rick. Astley. Will. Lend. You. Any. Pixar. Movie. But he's. Never. Gonna. Give. You","Up."211"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground Beef"212"A three legged dog from the wild west walks into a bar and looks around The bar tender looks a him and says  who are you looking for","to which the dog replies  I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw"213"Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees","Because they're very good at it"214"Got the GF while camping this weekend She was complaining about our lack of firewood despite having gathered some not too long ago","I hit her with  Yea we really are burning through it  and got booed out of the tent"215"What do sea monsters eat for dinner","Fish and ships"216"I asked my wife what smelled so good in the kitchen.  As I was grabbing a plate, she said,  It's nacho casserole.        I hung the plate behind my side and lamented,  If it's not my casserole, what am I supposed to eat.        She started to tell me to eat some of the casserole, but stopped and rolled her eyes at me","I frickin got'er good, fellas"217"A quick knock knock joke Me: Knock knock  Reddit: Who's there.    Me: Wu  Reddit: Wu, who","Me: Woohoo, it's my blue triangle day"218"I can't seem to grow oats or barley, or spelt in the mountains where I live.  I guess it's true what they say","No plains no grains"219"What is your favorite dad joke.  My personal favorite is:  Hey did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off.    Oh, don't worry.  He's all right now.    It lets you add a lot of different flare, especially if you're looking at your phone and you make it sound like a news story or something.    So what's your favorite dad joke.   EDIT: Thank you everyone, I've gotten a good chuckle out of all of these.  It's been a rough couple of days, but these all cheered me up.  I'm going to be recycling them.  My girlfriend eyes are gonna be rolling overtime tonight","I'd feel sorry, but my girlfriend probably doesn't want me feeling anyone but her"220"Mum [to dog]:. Hey handsome. Dad \[from kitchen\]:","Yeah?"221"The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent","They’re waiting for their turn"222"Why did the two punsters get a divorce","I reckon syllable differences"223"Why are 15 year olds weird","Because 15 is an odd year"224"It's lucky to be me I bought 20 bees at the pet store but they put an extra one in the bag","They said keep it, it's a freebie"225"What do you call it when boss man on a movie-set farts loud and long","Extended release, director's cut"226"Dating as a trash collector is hard. Whenever","I say  I wanna take you out  they always get insulted"227"Why was the Lego man sick","He had a BLOCKED NOSE"228"My friend used to circumsise people for a living.  I said:  that can't pay too well , and he responded  the salary isn't amazing","But I get to keep the tips"229"I put a piece of wood in my garage and came back the next day and there were two pieces.  The day after 4 and the day after that 8","It was multi-ply wood"230"Why was Hitler blind to the fact that German defeat was inevitable","Because he was a not-see"231"What do fish stress about the most","Current events"232"A. Texan and a. Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer. Bartender to the the. Texan:. That will be $5. Bartender to the. Mexican:. That will be $3. The. Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the. Mexican. The. Bartender replies,  Señor","Discount"233"What do you call a dog that can do magic","A Labracadabrador"234"What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones","A barkeologist"235"My wife and I drove past a store called  Sav Mor  I said to her,  That sounds too hard","I'd prefer to save more with ease"236"Why should you never touch an electric fence","Because it hertz."237"Kim Kardashian says that bees frighten her","I bet the rest of the alphabet does too"238"Two beetles run into each other in a week old baguette One says to the other, 'I thought I was the only beetle around these parts.  Where are you from. '  The other responds, 'Who, me","I was born in bread right here"239"So my Dad an I went to a drag race yesterday  After the race he said  Well that was pretty straight forward","EDIT:Well, at least this wasn't a drag of a thread"240"Dadjoked while watching The Last Stand My dad and I were watching The Last Stand which features a scene where two cars are driving through a cornfield and ears of corn are piling up on the windshields","So during this scene my dad says,  I liked this movie but it just got really corny"241"What’s the deal with the perpetually sad man whose time machine broke after it landed him in the Grand Canyon in 1936","He was stuck in a great depression"242"LPT: A quick and easy way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes","It’s like shooting fish in apparel"243"What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common","You think you're covered, but, you're not"244"Why can’t some car tires perform","They’re under too much pressure"245"How did. Jesus pay for our sins","He used praypal"246"What are Mario's dungerees made from","Den-im Den-im Den-im"247"I cut my fingers off cutting cheese. I think","I have grater problems"248"To the guy that keeps hacking my. Reddit account,. I will find you, and. I will kill you","Edit : no u wont"249"Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear","you can hear the OSHA"250"I was digging in our garden when. I found a chest full of gold coins and was about to run straight home to tell my wife. Then. I remembered why","I  was digging the hole in the first place."251"Did you hear about the match theif","He strikes again"252"I buy my guns from a T-Rex","He's a small arms dealer"253"My teacher is a dad.  Me: Sir did you have a haircut.  **Teacher:** No, actually, I had several hairs cut","Cue hysterical laughter, groans and chuckles from the class"254"Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster","Modern historians call it balderdash"255"My friends grandfather asked Me if I wanted to see a picture of his  pride and joy  When I said yes he pulled a picture of the cleaning products  pride  and  joy","The man carries these pictures in his wallet at all times"256"A guy walks into his therapist's office naked, except for some saran wrap around his middle","The shrink looks up at the guy and says  Well, I can clearly see your nuts"257"How do employees of a Middle Eastern grocery store answer the phone","Halal"258"Perfect Eyesight Dad: Wow, it's already 2014.  Heck, in six years, everybody will have perfect eyesight.   Me: Why's that","Dad: It'll be 2020"259"You'll never hear a. Psychiatrist urinate","The pee is silent"260"How do skeletons get high","They use marrow-juana"261"A magician was walking down the street when all of a sudden he turned into","A grocery store"262"Why does a chicken coop have two doors","Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan"263"My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit","It was the end of the line for him"264"How do you catch a drummer","You put out a snare"265"What do you call real bacon","Genuswine"266"It’s only a murder of crows","If there’s probable caws"267"What do you call seagulls that fly over a bay","Bagels"268"Despite modern trends, my wife, Christine, took my name when we were married","I'm still getting used to calling her David"269"I told my dad he should go see an optometrist","He told me that he doesn't see himself going to one"270"Dadjoked the girlfriend twice in the past day She's from Michigan and she said  I really miss Michigan  so I replied  would you say you.  Missigan  to which she punched my arm  Today I told her that I bought a new shirt and she said  I wanna see","so I replied  I didn't know you were blind  and she made this face :l while I cracked up"271"What do you call an artistic piece of furniture","A drawer"272"My dad's arsenal of DadJokes.  If someone asks him if he is alright:   No, I'm half left too.   ___________________  At a restaurant:  Server:  Hi, My name is Julie, I'll be taking care of you today   Dad:  Hi, My name is Cane-Dewey's Dad, I'll be sitting here today  ___________________  Someone asks him:  How are you.    Dad:  If I was any better, I'd be twins.   ___________________  And that's about it.  That's his arsenal","I've heard these a million times at this point, and they are just now starting to get funny"273"How long did Cain beat his brother","As long as he was Abel"274"I went to 3 different stores trying to find some paper towels","I guess you could call me a Bounty hunter"275"Why couldn’t the duck cross the road","Because he got his foot stuck in a quack"276"Indiana. Jones is afraid of snakes","I guess he suffers from a reptile dysfunction."277"I used to be a youth offender","Until they revoked my teaching license"278"Where am I gonna be in 2 years.  I don’t know","I don’t have 2020 vision"279"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you","You have my Word"280"What do you call an owl magician","Hoodini"281"What do you call a clown who likes to save money","Pennywise"282"What's the coolest band in the world","Arctic monkey's"283"I lost my mood ring yesterday. I’m not sure how","I feel about it"284"I had a blacksmith make me a fake","ID today it was a forgery."285"I think my wife is changing my son’s diaper too often","The box says they are good for up to 14 pounds"286"Apparently “Game. Of. Thrones” made a cereal. They call it. Raisin","Bran."287"Dad found alive after seven seconds lost in the himalayas. Peak","Kaboo"288"My girlfriend really got me with this one","A restraining order"289"If I have heard it once I have heard it 1000 times.  Dad's best friend:  Train just came through here   Me: How do you know.   Dad's best friend:  I can still see the tracks","*insert groan here*"290"I made salmon for dinner last night.  Girlfriend:  I can't eat this it tastes funny.    Me:  Are you sure.  I'm certain the label said salmon and not clown fish","*Cue groans and eye rolling*"291"Got my Fiance, Can't wait to be a father.  While discussing where we want to honeymoon she says:   Fiance: I just want to go somewhere with a body of water","Me: Well lucky for you, I'm 60% water"292"I was trying to make pancake batter… …but I couldn't find any whisks.  I had just recently moved into a new house with my room mate and I wasn't sure what utensils we had between the two of us.  I texted her and asked,   Do we have any whisks here","Or is that just whiskful thinking"293"While watching Criminal Minds.  Me and my dad were watching Criminal Minds, and it showed a woman talking on her cell phone, and she got shot in the head and the bullet went through the phone","And my dad said  wow he really called the shot"294"Why don’t ghosts run races","Because they always come dead last"295"My boyfriend's response to the  TheRockxSiri  commercial.  Boyfriend: So how many kids does The Rock have.   Me: Two.   B: Both daughters, or is one a son.   M: Both daughters.   B: He should have another kid so that he can have a boy and take a family photo, where it's the boy, his two daughters, and then him standing on the end.  'Cause you know what he'd be then.   M: What.   B: Third Rock from the son","He's sleeping outside tonight"296"A rancher with only 95 cattle managed to get 100 into the pen","All he had to do was round them up"297"Pianos.  I told my sister I'm about to go on vacation to learn piano.  She asked if I could afford it, and I said no.  But don't worry, I'll be Bach.   She didn't get it",":\"298"My dad, at MIA, looking at early jade artwork","The artist must have been very jaded"299"What did the sweet potato philosopher say","I think, therefore I yam"300"My dad is into fitness.  One thing I heard a lot growing up was  steaks and shakes.  You wanna get big","Steaks and shakes  which has inspired me to work on a movie with a similar title Its about a vampire hunter with Parkinsons  I'll call it  Stakes and Shakes"301"How does a Bull Frog say farewell","Ribbeye"302"My friend got me the other day.  The other day I was shopping with my friend and I saw that a bag of pears was $9 and decided that was too expensive","He told me that the price was for two bags and when I looked at the sign to verify, he pointed out that it was for a pear"303"During a conversation about the tallest structures.  Friend: I think the tallest is that building in Dubai.   Me: In Dubai.   Friend: Yeah, but I heard it's still under construction.   Me: Really.  Well, do you know when it's  due by","Friend:"304"Gift Shopping with the Wife My wife and I were out shopping, and stumped on what to get for my brother and sister-in-law.   Wife:  Maybe they'd like a berry bowl","Me:  I don't know, they might find that gift un-berry-bowl"305"Came in from doing yardwork, sweaty and hot Said to my father,  It's hot out there.    He said,  The sun must be out.    I said,  The son is out, trimming trees with the mom","Eyes rolled"306"Dad joked while watching Superbad.  I made the mistake of watching Superbad with my parents in high school","Once we were maybe 10-15 minutes in my dad shut it off and said this:   That movie was super bad"307"My actual dad just laid this on me Dad:  You know how birds fly in V's.    Me:  Yeah of course   Dad:  Do you know why one side is always longer than the other.     Me:  No.  Why","Dad:  Because there are more birds on that side of course"308"You're allowed to say  guys, lunch is on me  and not pay.  How","Just spill some of your food on your lap"309"Met a girl last night whose parents didn't let her watch The Simpsons when she was younger","I asked if her parents were Homerphobic"310"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle","Attire"311"I was fixing my car with my son. He said","I should just use my tools instead"312"Infamous Second Father, Dad just got me in the car.  Was explaining Infamous to dad and mentioned the main character went to Seattle.  I finished explaining the story and he replies:   Oh good .  They all lived happily ever after.  Now whos Attle anyway.    What do you mean.   I replied  Well the main character went to See Attle you said","He shone with pride"313"What do you call the money a hooker makes","Incum"314"Why was the bird optimistic.  Because it was a pelican not a pelican't.    Tried that on my wife, her sister, and my nieces on a ferry today","Got one laugh and two eye rolls that probably affected the rotation of the Earth"315"This guy made it to dad status before he was even a dad [x-post /r/funny] [this guy](http://imgur","com/0ZrWDpQ)"316"The neighborhood dogs always come up to the tree in my backyard","It's covered in bark"317"Doctor, I can't feel my legs.   Doctor:  I know","We amputated your arms"318"Why did Hitler need glasses","Because he could Nazi a single thing"319"Going deaf.  Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf","I haven’t heard from him since"320"I asked my buddy how his bathroom was coming along Buddy -  just dug a hole in the concrete with out any problems   Me -  nice, looks like it cement to be   Buddy - *blank stare*  you should be a dad so your 'dad jokes' can just be 'jokes'   That was a couple weeks ago, so this past weekend I asked how it was going.   Buddy -  just finished laying the tile down.    Me -  awesome, I grout you'll have any problems here on out","Buddy -  get out of my house"321"Why move to Switzerland","Well, the flag is a plus"322"I bought my friends an elephant for their room.  They said thanks","I said  don't mention it"323"To be frank","I'd have to change my name"324"I had a problem with my students saying  good  when I asked them how they are doing","I guess you can say I taught them *well*"325"I joined a club for people with. Tourettes. Syndrome","It took me 4 hours to get sworn in"326"What did the cat say when he got kicked out of the house","Why are you kicking mewo t"327"If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control","A swallow"328"I hope I passed history As those who fail history are doomed to repeat it","Credit goes to /u/Tehrasha who is a dad"329"What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms","One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year"330"I became friends with a stone, and he drowned","It was a shame, because I was very attached to him"331"Got the window replacement guy yesterday Window Guy:  Once we get a delivery date from the factory, we'll call you to set up an install time.  We like to shoot for 4-5 days after delivery","My Response:  So you'll call and give me a window"332"Daughter saw her math teacher We were out and it went down like this.   Her: oh it is my math teacher.   Me: oh cool.   Her:  I thought I recognized her but I wasn't sure  Me :  and then you put 2 and 2 together","Her : omg dad"333"Dad Jokes for Mothers Day http://imgur","com/Lphk8Ai"334"What do you call a snake in charge of the philharmonic orchestra","A boa conductor"335"Tennis dad joke that I finally understand I go out and play tennis with my dad once a week.  Tennis scoring goes love, 15, 30, 40.  Every time he says the score at the beginning of a game he yells,  Hippies.   instead of  Love all","And I just now understood it"336"Just bought a new lounge","Sofa, so good"337"Shanghai.  No","He's sober"338"Mom walked right into that one.  While researching gift ideas for my nieces and nephew; my mom texts me and asks,   What's the difference between an Xbox 360 and an Xbox One","About 359"339"I wanted to try a new. Middle. Eastern vegetarian diet","But to be honest it just made me falafel."340"He says things like this all the time Sitting in my parent's living room with my wife, she just got some new TOMS shoes with sheet music on them.   Dad: *Walks into living room and stares at wife's shoes*  Wife: What are you staring at.  *laughs*  Dad: Oh sorry, I was just. noting","your shoes"341"Did you guys hear about the big birdwatching event tonight","Supposedly there was a superb owl"342"I made friends with a pot of water, but my wife just used him to boil spaghetti","He will be mist."343"I live with a bunch of loonies Roommate is eating some tortilla chips called  Santitas   Me: Oh, sanitary chips, that's some clean eating  Roommate: No, they're sanitarium chips","Me: In that case, they must be *crazy good*"344"This got no love over in AskReddit, but figured fellow DadJokers might enjoy http://www. reddit. com/r/AskReddit/comments/309261/whats_the_hardest_english_word_to_pronounce/cpqrd1a  Q: What's the hardest English word to pronounce.  A: No, what's not even close to being the hardest word to pronounce","Sheesh"345"Well","That's a deep subject"346"The best date ever.  I'm a female and my dad asked what I was doing this past Saturday night.   Me:  I'm going to see that movie Lone Survivor with Mark Wahlberg.   Dad:  Wow.  You got a date with Marky Mark","I'm impressed"347"How did the Wright brothers come up with the first airplane","They didn't just pull it out of thin air"348"How does the sun say hi to the moon","With a heat wave"349"My girlfriend just asked me this I just opened a beer and she didn't know it was a screw cap.   Her: Did you open that with your bare hands.   Me: No I just used my normal human ones","It took her a while to understand what I said"350"Got my girlfriend asking her to carry me I was reading the relationships ask reddit thread and read some to my SO.  I came across a comment saying    Don't look for a girl you want to treat like a princess, look for a girl you want to treat like a partner.    Its very true.  I don't mind carrying my SO, but I need to know she can carry me if I feel down.    She looked at me and said  can I carry you sometimes.     And I said  of course you can, sometimes I don't like walking","She glared at me and then proceeded to get off the bed"351"I found a snake that was exactly 3","14 meters long I think it was a Pi-thon"352"What kind of milk do lactose intolerant Christians drink","Amen milk"353"My father used this on me in '93.  I hope my girlfriend will forgive me.  http://i. imgur. com/MIR1SPo","png"354"What do you call a factory that makes average products","A satisfactory."355"I accidentally overdosed on viagra yesterday","Hardest day of my life"356"I discovered a locomotive that never lies","I call it the true true train"357"When I was a kid, I wanted to be a photographer","But it didn't develop"358"Lucifer, the gorgeous fallen angel.  [X-post /r/tumblr] http://i. imgur. com/fmGslhx","jpg"359"I once asked the Queen of Spain about her husband's surprising sex routines","she laughed and said:  No-one expects the Spanish King's position"360"Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece"361"Toilet trouble Me:  Dad, the toilet won't flush again   Dad:  Ahh","its such a shitty toilet   He is right though"362"What’s Forrest Gump’s Reddit name","1Forrest1"363"Dadjoked my fiance Going through the English alphabetic phonetics and she blanks on U and says U for unicorn.   Me: No.  U for Uniform.   Her: Why can't U be a unicorn.   Me: Because I was born a human being babe","Her: *Rolls eyes and pulls the finger*"364"Got my sister with a tailgate pun Me: Are you sure you want me to drop you off to tailgate in the rain like this.   Her: Yeah it's fine, we have a canopy.   Me: Ugh, that doesn't sound very good","A whole can"365"Dad was accused of ruining a family portrait","But he swore he was framed."366"The cat jumped into my lap tonight and I told my wife that it has a favorite side to be pet on","The outside"367"What's the difference between a cat and a comma","One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause"368"i'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I just don't know why"369"Where do poor Italians live","In the spa-ghetto"370"Took one for the team Gf: I really want to go to one of those ice bars   Me: I heard those are really cool.   Gf: well we're going then","Couldn't resist it and now I'm Going to an ice bar in the middle of winter in New England"371"My dad dropped this at the dinner table on. New. Year's. Day *Looks at watch*,","I can't believe it's 20:16 already!"372"I was wondering why the baseball grew bigger and bigger,","Then it hit me"373"It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad","It's a faux pa"374"Caught a couple dudes beating up a little kid , so I stepped in to help","Little bastard didn’t stand a chance against the three of us"375"Yesterday I saw a guy spill allhis scrabble letters on tge road","I asked him,  What's the word on the street"376"I couldn't duck this one.  My parents were over last night, and I was  in the process of curing some duck breasts for Christmas.  I was trimming the skin when my dad walked over.    What are you doing there, son.     Curing this duck.     I don't know if you can cure it.  It looks dead to me.     Dammit, dad","Flawless execution"377"Dad joked the waitress Waitress is taking our order.   Dad: I'd like a rubber band sandwich","And make it snappy"378"What's one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat.  LEEKS","(my 10yo told me this - he said he thought it up himself"379"What do you call a bad Italian neighborhood","A spa-ghetto"380"Mom's trying to back out of a space I'm in the back seat and she says,  I can't see what's behind me.     It's me, mom.   I replied","Much glaring ensued"381"Restaurant owner got dadjoked at dinner last night After dinner the owner of the restaurant at which we were eating came up to the table and asked how we found the service.  My dad didn't hesitate before answering  I dunno, they just kinda came up to the table  with the doofiest smile on his face","Gotta love him"382"My Buddhist friend accidentally swallowed a Scrabble tile","It was really hard for him to find his inner piece"383"So I was playing tennis with my Dad It was super windy, and we had decided to play outside.   Me -  This is pretty awful tennis weather, Dad","Dad -  Yeah, the wind really blows"384"Since we're on China jokes.  If you spin a China Man around fast enough","does he get disoriented"385"I was in orchestra class And the teacher found a spring on the ground.   He twisted it so it looked like the corner of a square, and said 'Spring is right around the corner","'  Sorry if this is the wrong sub to post it in, I just found it worthy of this sub"386"Bladder Infection","Urine trouble"387"90s Eurodance group Technotronic recently bought a factory that manufactures all types of fruit preserves However, there was an issue with getting the preserves into the packaging phase as the manufacturing plant was downstairs and the bottling machinery was upstairs.   After carefully reviewing the process, the group settled on a solution","They decided to Pump Up The Jam"388"Which cheese is made backwards","Edam"389"My 66 year old father had an unprompted dad joke today.  http://m. imgur","com/hFfPDa9"390"How do raisin’s leave the house","By raisin the roof"391"A string walks into a bar.  The bartender says  We don't serve strings in this bar.   So the string walks out, ruffles his hair a bit, and walks back in.  He sits down and crosses his legs as the bartender says  I thought I told you we don't serve strings in this bar","The string replies  I'm a frayed knot"392"Dad, I think I need new glasses Dad: When's the last time you got your eyes checked.    Daughter: Last month, but I haven't had new glasses since high school.  I need new glasses.   Dad: Maybe that's something you should look into","Daughter:"393"When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word","I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French"394"Two very hungry men were wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree.  One runs up to eat the bacon, when all of the sudden he starts getting shot at from out of nowhere.  He yells to his friend,  watch out.  It's not a bacon tree.  It's a hambush","*Borrowed from a friend who is very much dad material"395"Old man and I have entered a new realm I've never been close with my dad, but he got me good this morning.  My band got a short review online, and the first image is another band's picture of shirtless, tattooed dudes.     Dad (sarcastically): Is that you guys, half-naked and tattooed up.    Me: Ha, yeah that's us.  Nobody's ever noticed till now","Dad: I know, I *barely* even recognized you"396"What is the cure for a gluten allergy","The anti-dough"397"What do you call a place wherein all of the dirtiest jobs in the world are reflected","A Mike Rowe-cosm"398"Killin the game Mom: we have a reservation at 6:15 at Scratch                   Bar","Dad: I have an itch, so looking forward to it"399"What did the priest shout at the salad bar","LETTUCE PRAY"400"My wife gave birth to our boy while. I was driving her to the hospital. We named him","Carson"401"I have a fear of speed bumps","Im slowly getting over it"402"Just rescued a dog from a retired blacksmith","First thing he did when we got him home was make a bolt for the door"403"Endgame Spoilers Endgame Spoilers","At the end of the film Tony says  I am Ironman   His line should have been  Hi Inevitable, I'm a Dad"404"If only my daughter were old enough to understand her eyes would have been rolling.  My daughter is almosr 3.  She has a mirror with a princess crown around it.  She was playing with the mirror and putting it on her head.   Daughter: Look daddy, my crown is so beautiful.   Me: It is so beautiful.  It's so beautiful I can almost see myself wearing it","Not my greatest, but I thought it was funny"405"My friend came up with a dad-worthy idea for a game.  http://imgur","com/Q2aH0e1"406"Got a good one on my wife today I was pushing our two year old along the street in her push chair and let an s-bomb slip by accident.    My wife says,  don't talk like that in front of our daughter","It's fine, I'm walking behind her"407"The mountains aren't just funny, they're","Hill areas"408"I love making puns","It's so rewording."409"Why did the coffee get in trouble","Because it was NotTea"410"I asked my son if he was hungry. Then","I gave him a mallet and a quarter, and said here’s a quarter pounder"411"To the person who stole my glasses","I can still drink from the bottle"412"A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke","Thank goodness it was a soft drink"413"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.  The bartender says,  Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants.   The pirate says,  Arrrr, I know","It's driving me nuts"414"I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning","So I called in slick for work today"415"What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce","Chicken Caesar salad"416"Schrodinger’s cat recently went on a deadly crime spree","He is wanted dead and alive"417"In my defence I was super tired this morning and definitely not prepared for being dad-joked at 6am.  I had just entered the kitchen and my dad was about to go out the front door, when he suddenly turned to me and simply said  pussy .    Me:  for what.     Dad:  Pussy.     Me:  I don't get it.    And THEN HE JUST WALKED AWAY giggling like he always does, and slammed the door","My last words were just echoing in my head after the complete silence he'd left me in, which made it so much more embarrassing"418"My girlfriend is turning 32 soon.  I've told her not to get her hopes up.   After all,  I say,  we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.   When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out,  This is your thirty-second birthday.    For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious.  I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people","Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it"419"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I have no clue what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day"420"It's time for your martial arts class, son","Son:  But, I don't even take won do"421"I think my brother is ready for kids.   Everyone's freaking out that Matt Damon is bourne again, who cares what his religion is","He's just an actor"422"What do you call a russian cow","Moscow"423"What happens if you were attacked by Pikachu's lightning","You'd turn into *Ash*"424"What’s a cow’s favorite cheese","MOO-zzarella"425"My girlfriend told me that a very thick letter had arrived for me.  I replied, 'of course it's thick","Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'"426"At first,. I didn't like my new haircut too much","But after a while, it started to grow on me."427"So I reached a low point today.  https://imgur","com/a/UCghi"428"My wife asked ifI could spell Mississippi","I said the river or the state"429"My friend is weirdly addicted to taking blurry pictures of him in the shower","He has serious selfie steam issues"430"Where do you see yourself in five years.  Probably my bathroom","That's where I keep my mirror"431"Got me Taco Bell.  http://imgur","com/kJMuEEy"432"I couldn't afford the trip to. Hawaii","I had to put it on  leiaway"433"Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was wrongly accused","Turns out he was in a cent"434"My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils","But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take"435"Don't join dangerous cults","Practice safe sects"436"What’s the worst part about racist jokes","Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal"437"Dad Anti-joke This happened 20 years ago but it always stuck with me.   My parents were leaving and the babysitter was there.     She could hear the cat scratching in the litter box and said  Uh Oh.  looks like Tiger is digging for gold.    Dad says  Well I doubt she will find any gold in there   Mom says  Oh, did you clean the litter box today","Dad says  No, I just think it is unlikely that she finds any gold in there"438"I'm addicted to oxygen","I tried to stop, but within a minute I was feeling blue"439"Gave my blind friend a cheese grater","He said it was the most violent story he's ever read"440"I'm a beekeeper.  My 10yo son just got stung so I told him he's now part of the club.  I asked if it was a good club.   No  he said","It bites"441"My kids were arguing about what to watch on Netflix, so I started yelling, “Vodka.  Tequila.  Whiskey","” “In this house, I call the shots"442"My boyfriend got me at the grocery store with this one We were in the produce section and a few leeks fell out of their display on to the floor.   SO: Look","They're leeking"443"If a child refuses to go to sleep Is he resisting a rest","No, he's avoiding a kid napping"444"What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot","Don’t worry about him, he’s just a product of our times"445"Why did the can crusher quit his job","It was soda pressing"446"What is a DJs favorite vegetable","A turnip"447"What do astronauts say when they want to end their relationships","I need some space"448"Kid who sits next to me in math class caught me off guard The guy who sits next to me in calc was staring intently at his lemonade bottle and he says,  This says it's not from concentrate","We'll see how long that lasts"449"How did you perceive this joke","You reddit"450"I lost my wife’s audiobook","and now I’ll never hear the end of it"451"I am in class, with a map of France in front of me.  So I turn to my neighbour and say: It's been Toulon since we talked.  Him: Don't.  Me: And I just don't want Toulouse touch.  Him: Please stop","Me: Nevers"452"My wife told me that men in camouflage look really sexy","I just don’t see it"453"I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto","His look was pasty"454"Dadjoked by dad when cleaning our computers Me:  Do you know if we have any compressed air around so I can clean out our computers.    Dad:  There's a can of Raid here, but that probably wouldn't work too well.     Me:  Yeah probably not.     Dad:  BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY BUGS IN YOUR SYSTEM","I didn't even cringe I just laughed out loud because it was so good"455"I left the general store empty handed","I was looking for something specific"456"Why haven't the communists taken over yet","They're just *Stalin*"457"My keyboard fell apart today","I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything"458"While dining out my SO and I were talking about the demeanors of the various animals we eat.  Her:  Are cows nice.    Me:  Of course they are","That's why we tip them"459"My Freud loving friend keeps insisting that a pencil is a phallic symbol","I said, “No, but a pen is"460"Why was six afraid of seven","Because seven was a registered six offender"461"Why are fish easy to weigh","Because they have their own scales"462"7 YO daughter got me with this one today.  What animal is best at closing holes","Seal  EDIT: Both Mum and I groaned, but I told her I was incredibly proud of her"463"What do you call a Mexican midget","A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay"464"They're finally making a movie called  Clocks","It's about time"465"It's been awhile, folks","I haven't posted ALL YEAR"466"I've been using an ointment recently","Let that soak in for a minute"467"Dad joked the New Years Resolution-ers at work A few of the new trainees approached me at work today and told me how part of their (and probably every other American's) New Years Resolutions were to get in better shape.  They proceeded to ask me if I knew any gyms in the area","Naturally I responded,  No, but I know a few James's   Groaning ensued"468"I was fired from my job when I asked a customer if they wanted  smoking  or  non-smoking","Apparently the correct terms are  cremation  or  burial"469"When someone gets a migraine","Tell them,  Don't worry it's only in your head"470"Being a teacher requires patience I was at a restaurant with a friend and my girlfriend yesterday for an early dinner and we started discussing the difficulties of being a teacher.  My friend then said  i just don't have the patience to be a teacher.   I hesitated for a second, out of cowardice, but then replied with  teachers have students, not patients.   There were lots of cringes.  My girlfriend actually laughed and then said aloud that she hated herself for doing so.  I think she's a keeper",":)"471"Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day","Because they’re scent-imental creatures"472"Nock nock.  Who's there","Bow string"473"I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine","It probably puts a strain on the staff"474"I made a great joke at the mandatory meeting today","You had to be there"475"There is a tragic story of two melons and their forbidden love","Their families found out and kept them apart and now they cantaloupe"476"Dad joked my buddy on a school report We were editing our report for a school project when my buddy tells me he can't spell today.  Without missing a beat I reply,  It's easy: t-o-d-a-y","His scowl was priceless"477"Why do bartenders have problems expressing their feelings","Because they're all bottled up"478"My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much","I told them,  Just you wait"479"What's a Pirates Favorite .  Dad: what's a Pirates favorite crime.    Me: uh .   Dad: ARRRRson.   What's a Pirates favorite type of socks.    Me: I don't know dad.    Dad: ARRRRgyle.  What's a Pirates favorite branch of the military.    Me: *rolling eyes* it's the ARRRRmy.   Dad: *acting confused* No, it's the Navy.  Why on earth would they like the army better","Hopefully not a repost but I very clearly remember getting caught by this one and stuttering with no response"480"Christmas Present http://d2me59s95dy7e. cloudfront. net/mobile/cartoons/2d/ea/00/99/368151efbfe34d8593c1c080716986c0","jpg"481"My friend said my jumper is camouflage. But","I can't see it"482"When talking about why Santa doesn't have any kids.  Girl: why doesn't Santa have kids","Me: his wife already went through menoclause   Girl: *groans*"483"Dad, can you do my math homework for me.    No son, it wouldn't be right","Well, at least you could try"484"When my dad was quizing me on Geography: Which US state is round on the sides and high in the middle","OHIO"485"Light travels faster than sound","This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"486"Man, I really love furniture","Me and my recliner go way back"487"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","AYE MATEY"488"I love. Clarence","He always has the best sales."489"Two for one special on cat puns My mom was a single mother so I guess she gets to make Dad jokes.  She sent me the following:  > I was petting the cat and because of the cold dry air I was getting a lot of tiny shocks off her fur","I told [brother] this should be called catic electricity (he groaned) and then later I wondered if static electrikitty would be better"490"What do you call an engineer working away from home","An engi*far*"491"My husband:  Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom.   http://imgur","com/gallery/LVgGlW7   My eyes nearly rolled out of my head"492"I get upset whenever I hear a, e, i, o, or u","Turns out I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome"493"I had a bad dream about. Sir. Lancelot","It was a knightmare"494"My friends keep telling me bird jokes","Toucan play at that game"495"Why did the stadium get hot after the game","Because all the fans left"496"When is a car not a car","When it turns into a driveway"497"My friend. Gavin died of heartburn the other day. I can’t believe","Gaviscon"498"(Got this one from my 4 year old) how do you make a tissue dance.  Put a little boogie in it","Never been more proud"499"Why did the plane die","It had a terminal illness"500"[NSFW] I just finished my book about having sex with clocks","My publisher said it's about fucking time"501"Conditioner My wife was giving our four year old a bath, and she mentioned that I don't always use the tangerine conditioner on her hair.    Wife: Daddy needs to use the conditioner every time her washes your hair.   Daughter: Conditioner is made from oranges.  They make it from the juice.   Me: Yup.  They make it from the Jews.  That's why conditioner had such a holi cost","Wife: Why did I marry you"502"I didn't even look up from my desk.  Dropped this on a co-worker just now.   Them:  .  yeah and why do we even have to pay for air at the gas stations, we never used to.    Me: Well it's due to inflation.   I am confident I've seen this joke on reddit before, just happy I was able to execute it as good as possible.   I got tingly when the conversation was heading this way and she dropped the perfect setup line","Grateful I've seen it before, pass it on and use it wisely"503"What do you call the boom operator on a movie set","Mike"504"So I ask my dad if he's ever smoked weed.  His response.  Just once","From 1969-1978"505"My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses","I'm worried he may be in a colt"506"Everyday that he asks me Son:  dad what time is it","Me: looks up  daytime"507"I dadjoked myself in Reno I was in Reno/Sparks the other day and I was walking around the Victorian Plaza near the Nugget Hotel.  For people who have never been, many things are named after this plaza, including a salon and several other businesses.   Anyway, I walked past a motel called  Victorian Inn , and I thought  Why not just call it  Victori-inn   So I called my girlfriend to tell her and she stayed silent for a few seconds and just said  No. Just no","Well I thought it was pretty clever"508"My dog named Minton just ate a shuttlecock","Bad Minton"509"Keanu Reeves lost all the April Fools Jokes.  Luckily he found the May tricks","(oc unless someone else thought of it already, in which case I'm 22yrs too late as usual)"510"My boss said my math skills are average","That's just mean"511"Why was the teddy bear never hungry","Because he’s always stuffed"512"I just can't seem to find today","4/04"513"My son is gonna be a great. Dad. Sitting at the dinner table my son(4), says to my other younger son(3),    I'm not hungry,. I'm tired . To which my youngest replies without skipping a beat,   Hi tired,. I'm. Dylan","I could cry......."514"My dad thought of a pun and took a picture of himself acting it out.  http://i. imgur. com/wrddoRN. jpg  I posted this to r/funny a while back but figure it's a dad joke too","He says his jokes are like paper,  tearrrrable"515"Its all in the name I told my dad I had a friend with the last name Case","He replied, do they have a brother named Justin"516"Deja Vu While spending time with my parents in law, my father in law asks my wife,   Ever get deja vu.    No.    Ever get deja vu.    Oh my god.    Ever get deja vu.  Whoa","deja vu"517"I just read a list of  100 Things To Do Before You Die  and I was quite surprised that.   Yell for help","wasn't one of them"518"A jouster got injured during a match","He needed an ambu-Lance"519"What do you call a Frenchman in sandals","Phillipe Phillope"520"Dadjoked at the drive-thru So I was in the drive-thru at Taco Bell last night, and the guy asked me if I wanted any sauce with my deliciously awful food, and I told him I wanted mild.  I said,  Several, if that's cool.   He responded by saying,  Well, it's gonna be mild, not cool","I had to pull into a parking space to give myself a minute to stop laughing"521"I asked my grandma, “How are you enjoying the new stair lift","” She said, “It’s driving me up the wall"522"Why did the train go to the sauna","To blow off some steam 🙅‍♂️🚂"523"Inquiry about my friend's father's shirt.  Friend: What does your shirt say.   His father: It doesn't say anything","You have to read it, dumbass"524"My best friend's un-funny wife dad-joked us.  My wife was texting her inviting them over and said,  We will be grilling brats if you guys want some","She responded with,  No thanks, we generally try not to eat kids, regardless of their attitude"525"Got my wife three times On our way home from a cousins graduation a few hours away.   Wife: Where are we.  Me: In the truck.   Wife: Smartass, where in the truck.  Me: In the front seat.   Wife: OK then, geographically, where is the truck.  Me: On this road going that way","It was a good day"526"My dad said he'd disown me if I didn't know a twelve letter synonym for  obstructive","That's unreasonable"527"I tried drag racing the other day. It. IS","BRUTAL running in those heels"528"Wife said our baby is the size of a lemon Wife: that's pretty sweet huh.   Me: No, that's sour",""529"An uncle joke for the kids A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.  When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked,  Doc, what happened to my baby.    The doctor replied,  Ma'am, you've had twins.  You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl.  Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you.     Oh, no.   shrieked the woman.   Not my brother.  He's not really all together, if you know what I mean.    The doctor replied,  Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise.     Oh, that's no so bad,  smiled the woman.  Then, hesitantly, she asked,  What's the boy's name","The doctor grinned and said,  Denephew"530"My 4 year old brought home an updated  See you later alligator  from daycare this week.  He said  See you later, Alligator.  ,  I started to reply with the usual  in a while, crocodile  but he beat me to it with  don't forget your toilet paper.     So proud, he'll crank a few dad jokes put when he has children of his own.    It might be old (this is reddit",") but I never heard it before, I wish I knew that one as a kid"531"Hey guys.  I’ve just made the world’s largest pizza base","I’d like to see anyone top that"532"I work at a deli shop and accidentally slid my finger in the meat slicer http://i. imgur. com/DOVihjf","jpg"533"Have you heard the one about the really deep hole in the ground.  Well.  Well","Well"534"I told my teacher that my bathroom break was only gonna be ten minutes.  I got back thirty minutes later","Turns out I was full of shit"535"People  without genders  are usually bad programmers","since they're non-binary"536"Wife, yelling at earbuds:  Why won't you just untangle","They'd rather knot"537"I've had a terrible day When I drove to work, I got a ticket.  Then, when I came home, I crashed into a wall","I need a brake"538"Did you hear about the yoga instructor turned serial killer","Her murders were pre-*meditated"539"Sailing, in a nutshell http://tomb666666. tumblr","com/image/153908879669"540"I accidentally wore my Spanish friend’s rain boots instead of mine","Turns out these boots are made for Joaquin"541"One of the best things about living in Switzerland","The flag is a big plus"542"Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant","I said sure, no sweat"543"Playing golf last weekend with my father.  At the tee box about 15 yards in front of us were some ducks.  I teed off and hit the ball fairly low and came pretty close to hitting one","My dad said,  good thing he ducked to get out of the way"544"Dad can you come pick me up.    No.  I can't pick you up now.     What.  Why not.  Mom said to call you when the club was over.    You're too big for me to pick up any more.  You're going to have to walk to the car.    Heard this gem while my student called her dad","Everyone in the club did a facepalm"545"After my first blind date with this woman, I knew it wouldn't work out between us and ended it after that","She didn't see it coming"546"Friend got us good talking about food A few friends and I were talking about our food preferences.  One friend says,  White rice isn't that good for you, since most of the nutrients and fiber are taken away during the bleaching and processing.  Brown rice is a lot better for you.   Then my other friend replies,  You know what they call people like you in Australia","Ricest"547"My company raffle was giving away a sea mammal as a prize","I didn't get the porpoise"548"Why are mushrooms so filling","Because once you've eaten them you don't have mushroom left"549"Why didn't the fruit get married","He cantaloupe"550"What is the difference between a man in a tuxedo riding a bicycle and a bum on a tricycle","Attire"551"I'm starting a minimalist orchestra","It's just like a regular orchestra but without the bells and whistles"552"What do you call a snake that works for the government","A civil serpent"553"It doesn't matter how nice you are","German children are kinder."554"Train conductors are crazy","They have loco motives."555"What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument","A trombone"556"In a couple of days a champion lost many of his trophies","turned out that he suffered from atrophy"557"Gonna start a website called. Onlydads","Where it’s just gonna be a bunch of dads clicking tongues and pulling power tool triggers"558"A Shetland pony walks into a bar.  He's coughing and spluttering.  With a strained voice, he asks the bartender for a glass of water, and thirstily guzzles down the entire glass in one go.    You must have really needed that.   said the bartender,  Do you feel any better","Well, I'm still a little hoarse"559"NSFW Why do deaf people masturbate only with one hand","Because they moan with the other"560"How do you get an elephant in a car","Try the trunk first"561"How many volunteers do we have for my evil army.  King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army","Squire: 384 my liege K: Ok, round them up S: 400 my liege"562"My dog's got no.  We all know the classic:  -  My dog's got no nose.   How does he smell.   Terrible.   -  But there are so many possible variations, so rarely explored.   -  My dog's got no eyes.   How does he look.   Terrible  -  My dog's got no tongue.   How does he taste.   Terrible  -  My dog's got no nervous system.   How does he feel.   Terrible  -  My dog's got no car.   How does he drive.   Terrible  -  My dog's got no sense of humour.   How does he joke.   Terrible  -","your turn"563"Some people won't ever believe the Earth is spherical","They flat-out deny the possibility"564"Which instrument is the most indecisive","The p-yeah-no"565"Dadjoked by my boyfriend","He's struggling to fold a fitted bed sheet when he says:   I'm getting too old for this sheet."566"The store I used to work at had a customer drive into the building.  For the next month, every dad in my town went through my line saying  Huh, I didn't know you had a drive thru","One right after the other, it was like a dad assembly line from hell"567"If your phone autocorrects  fuck  to  duck,  it's okay to keep it","It's still fowl language"568"I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood.  He said,  everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone","Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish"569"I’m avoiding playing board games with my family","I really don’t want to die"570"My dad told me why he can't grow a full beard He said he's part native american, Apache to be specific","He gets Apache here and Apache there"571"I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce.  She said 'whatever floats your boat'","So I said no, that's buoyancy"572"If a King gets a King size mattress and a Queen gets a Queen size mattress, then what does a Prince get","An heir mattress"573"My brother and. I are trying to come up with an extensive list of vegetable related puns","Lettuce know if you have any"574"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon","Apparently they've got great food, but no atmosphere"575"A man came across a giant and a midget in a bar.  A man came across a giant and a midget in a bar.  How did you get so tall.   a man asked the giant who replied,  I eat what's right.   The man then turned to the midget to enquire,  How did you get so short","bringing the reply of,  I eat what's left"576"Got my mom with cookies.  Mom:  Oh that's good, only 130 calories for the whole packet  Me:  Why would you eat the packet","Dad: *laughs*"577"My 12yo daughter gave me a dad joke for father's day http://imgur. com/kQMB1of  She is quite the artist and I have been bugging her to create a painting for me for a while now","She has certainly delivered"578"My son left his luggage in the garage Where ya goin' son.   To grab my bag","The bathroom has more privacy, son"579"What kinda bee makes milk","Boobies"580"What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup","Anyone can mash potatoes"581"This city isn't the same since Francisco left",":( It's Sans Francisco"582"Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C","Because you can’t C in the dark"583"Why did the can crusher quit his job","It was soda pressing"584"What did the Spanish speaking magician say right before he performed his vanaishing trick.   Uno, dos.    And then POOF.  He disappeared","Without a tres"585"A man at church was talking about helping his young son learn about fractions","My dad made sure to tell him there is a fine line between the denominator and the numerator"586"What grades do you need to become a pirate","7 C’s"587"What time did the man go to the dentist","Tooth hurt-y"588"Why shouldn't you stay close to a speaker all the time","Because it hertz your ears"589"I walked into an underemployed martial arts dojo today and offered my skills","In no time, I was HI-YA'd"590"What do you call. Bears with no ears ?","B"591"People who grow herbs are really efficient","They're great at thyme management."592"Need help with your boat","I Noah guy"593"I haven't owned a watch","for I don't know how long"594"What did one duracell Battery say to another","mAh Man"595"Did you hear about the lawyer who only ate gold","He passed the bar"596"Every time we hear a police/ambulance/fire engine siren","“He’ll never sell any ice creams going at that speed”"597"What’s a French Rastafarian’s favourite fruit","Le Mon"598"What do you call an elephant crossed with a rhinoceros","Ellephino"599"My wife asked if I could go one day without mentioning ninjas","I said: shur I ken"600"I would tell you my butter joke","But I’m afraid you would spread it"601"I eat a donut every day","But slowly I’m getting tired of the hole thing"602"Why did the cookie go to the doctor","Because he was feeling crummy"603"What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises","It becomes daytrogen"604"Where the the pregnant woman sit in the stadium","In the C Section"605"My friends claim. I'm the cheapest person they ever met","I'm not buying it"606"What did my grandfather say right before he kicked the bucket","Want to see how far I can kick this bucket"607"Jesus was the black panther. Because he","Wakanda water"608"Someone told me 91 degrees was hot","But that's just obtuse"609"Do we really dream in color","Or is it just a pigment of our imagination"610"Gordon Ramsay dad joked a chef Ramsay: So how can you screw up fish & chips.   Chef: It was not communicated right, chef","Ramsy: Oh you didn't talk to the fish enough"611"What kind of food do King Arthur's Knights eat during long quests","Grail mix"612"Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables","A deus vult"613"NASA should build a pub on Mars","Mars bar"614"I finally decided to do something about my weight","From now on, I'm simply going to lie about it"615"They're developing a pill for premature ejaculation","It's not out yet, but it's coming soon"616"I got lost when finding my partner at the last BDSM party","Oops, wrong sub"617"What did the farmer say at the party","Lettuce Turnip the Beet"618"What cheese do you use to disguise a horse","Mascarpone"619"You just couldn't help yourself, could you.   Warning.  Lots of set up.     So, if my husband and I take a long car trip with our son, we put in the  spa  station from satellite radio (it plays exactly the kind of music you think it does) to help him nap.  The band names and songs have some silly names, so we'll sit and make up our own titles to pass the time.      A song came on that was very sitar-heavy and the following conversation ensued:    **Me:** I'm sitting here trying to think of a bunch of sitar puns.    **Husband:** well, thank you for not sharing them with me.    **Me:** I guess it's because I'm so con-SITAR-ate, huh","Cue eyerolling as I tried not to wake our son with giggles"620"Why do Australians have such a hard time playing chess","They can't tell the difference between  Checkmate  and  Check, mate"621"After the most historic series of fires ever, an arsonist goes into the police station to turn himself in","It was his claim to flame"622"Who was the fattest knight in Camelot","Sir Cumference"623"Ripped the knee of my pants today.  Guess ill be using them for church from now on","Since they became holy and all"624"I’ve created a new word","Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)"625"They took my 4’6” friend in for questioning the other day","I have to admit, he was a little suspect."626"Knock knock Who’s there.  Broken pencil  Broken pencil who","Nevermind it’s pointless"627"TIL: Robert de Niro is playing the lead role in the upcoming movie about  The Lord of the Rings  trilogy","The movie is called  You Tolkien to me"628"My brother got me good when we were putting up Christmas decorations.  Him: 'Do you know who my favourite Christmas singer is. '  Me: 'No . '  Him: 'A-*wreath*-a Franklin","' (*holds up Christmas wreath*)  I groaned"629"What is blue but less heavy","Light blue"630"Got my husband the dog groomer on the way to work today.  We were listening to Florence and the Machine's Dog Days Are Over while driving.     Me:  I'm going to play this for you when you retire.     Him:  Why.    Me:  Cause the dog days will be over","Him:  That was terrible and I want a divorce"631"What is a turtle’s favorite gas station","Shell"632"My wife dadjoked my son (and me) with this Minecraft gem.  Our 8 y/o son loves Minecraft.   Without our oversight, he'd play all day every day.   He was allowed to play on Sunday afternoon.   He chose to play survivor mode, and he came running into the room where we were sitting to brag,  MOM, PAPI, I dug a shaft down into this hill and I found TWO DIAMONDS.    He continued on,  So, since I'm in survival mode, should I use the diamonds to make a hoe or a pickax.    Something like that, comparing what it would cost him from something called his  workbench  and  inventory.    Admittedly, I've only played creative mode with him, so I don't know all the terms.   Anyway, without missing a beat, my wife says,  Son, always spend your diamonds on hoes","I love that woman so very much"633"Why can't you play poker in the jungle","There are to many cheetahs"634"My water and electricity bills came at the same time this month","Needless to say, I was shocked"635"My sister was hired to sew 8 bridesmaid dresses by Saturday","She seamstressed"636"Did you hear of the water that boiled away","It shall be mist :'("637"My son was looking for books on dinosaurs.  So I asked the librarian to suggest a good author","Try Sarah Topps  she said"638"Drawing a plane Dad: I am getting really good at drawing, I can draw anything I want to now.  Me: okay draw me a plane.  Dad: here you go.  Me: but that is a box.  Dad: the plane is in the box.  Me: MOM","Dad is trying to be funny again"639"To be frank","i'd have to change my name"640"Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat","He was medaling in other people’s affairs"641"November","More like Novem-brrrr  (because it’s cold)"642"A man was found abusing words","He got a sentence."643"I spend alot of time of reddit My roommate notices this and today asks me  ugh are you on reddit again.   I say of course i am.   She responds with  haven't you reddit all","All the eye rolling starts"644"After our plane landed.  I asked a family in front of me,  So, what brought you to Madison","The dad quickly said,  The airplane"645"Have you guys heard about the police investigation into the death of a chickpea","It was a hummus-ide"646"Teacher: “If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have. ” Pappu: “Seven Sir”  Teacher: “No, Listen Carefully.  If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have. ”  Pappu: “Seven”  Teacher: “Let Me Put It To You Differently.  If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have. ”  Pappu: “Six. ”  Teacher: “Good.  Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have. ”  Pappu: “Seven","”  Very Angry Teacher: “Where Do You Get Seven From”  Very Angry Pappu: “Because I Already Have One At Home“"647"What's the fastest liquid in the world","Milk because before you know it, it's pasturize"648"What's a midget psychic running from the police","A small medium at large"649"My dad took a picture of a shelf He showed it to me and said  look","I took a shelfie"650"Be there or be square","because you won't be a-round"651"How did the grammar nazi die","They got semicolon cancer"652"Have you seen our toilet roll.   asked my wife.   Don't be daft,  I replied","A toilet is a stationary object"653"What would Forrest Gumps email password be","1Forrest1"654"The age of consent in England was set around 1890.  In my opinion it's way too high.  I don't think anyone's lived that long.   Source: http://qdb","us/143464"655"Dad joke from my 13 y/o brother At an outdoor ice cream place when a person gets handed their banana split.  Promptly drops his order on the ground and without skipping a beat my brother says  Looks like he got a banana splat","I was the only family member to laugh"656"Why does parsley grow so fast","Because it's always in a race against thyme"657"I. WRITE. ALL. MY. PUNS. IN. CAPITALS. THIS. ONE. WAS. WRITTEN. IN","OSLO!"658"I submitted a statue of myself shaped like a butt to an art contest","I didn’t win but the judges said I made a real ass of myself"659"What’s the advantage to being a test tube baby","You get a womb with a view"660"I thought up a great way to lose weight","You must get struck by lightening"661"What's the most annoying pepper.  One that's jalapeño business.   Just received via text courtesy of the man himself","Thanks dad for the useless internet points"662"They say time flies like an arrow","But fruit flies like a banana"663"Restaurants are prime places for dad jokes.  Yesterday at lunch-   Server: How are we doing the bill","Dad: We'd rather not"664"What do you call someone that worships The Fonz","An ayyye theist"665"Why is Peter Pan constantly flying","Because he neverlands"666"My doctor keeps telling me I need to do something about my 10/10 vision","I just can’t see the problem with that"667"What do you call buying too much kitchen equipment","Taking unnecessary whisks"668"Dad, how do you think of these awful jokes.  Dad: Huh","Oh I just end the sentence with the funniest word underpants"669"Why did Richard Nixon say he burnt his steak","I'm not a cook"670"I have 3 pairs of Star Wars socks, each pair is missing one sock","Each pair of Star Wars socks has a Rogue One"671"Who's the coolest person in the hospital when the ultra sound man isn't around","The Hip Guy"672"What's a chef's favourite drug","Pot"673"It was getting late so. I decided to hit the sack. After a while it started to hurt so","I went to sleep"674"What do you call a sheet set where the fitted sheet doesn’t match the flat sheet","Fraternal twin sheets"675"Archeologists in. Egypt have uncovered the tomb of a mummy that appears to be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. It's beleived to be the long lost. Pharoah","Rocher."676"A holiday themed joke I was driving in the car with my daughter when The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole comes on the radio   Daddy, how do they roast chestnuts","On an open fire, duh   Cue eye roll and a 9 year old googling the answer"677"This is really worrying, but","Uranus is blue"678"Does music make you think","It made Stevie wonder"679"Tri-tip dad joke Just days after my dad made some tri-tip my family had another get together which my brother-in-law brought some ridiculously good tri-tip.  Definitely blew the my dad's stuff out of the water.   Me:  I have to tell you, your tri-tip was good but Nick's (brother-in-law) is next level   Dad:  Well that may be true but I helped him by giving him advice.  In fact, I gave him three pieces of advice","Thats why they call it tri-tip"680"Alcohol doesn't solve any problems","Then again, neither does milk"681"My SO kept joking about bears being in our backyard.  Our six year old said  dad, stop","You're going to give me nightbears"682"How come pirates are funny","Because they just AAAARRRRRE"683"My son didn't cope well with going to jail.   He refused to eat or drink anything.  He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit","After that, we never played Monopoly again"684"How does Moses make tea","Hebrews it"685"What happened when Moses went to Mount Olive","Popeye punched him"686"Dad sees for the first time (xpost form /r/gifs) http://i. imgur. com/lniAs6J","gifv"687"Changed the contact name of my house phone I changed my home phone's contact name in my cell phone to ET","Now when I ask siri to call ET, it phones home"688"Wife asked if I wanted to go see a quilt museum","I said no I hear it’s full of squares"689"Coworker got us on the weather Manager near us: do you see how windy it is out there","Coworker: yeah it's blowing my mind"690"Wanna hear a limousine joke","Never mind, it's too long"691"When a women reaches a certain age she begins acquiring cats","This is known as manypaws"692"How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb","Let's go play with our bikes"693"I cook and clean for my family on the condition that they put up with my terrible puns","it's the dadliest catch"694"A  unique  rabbit.  My dad told me this one at dinner.   Dad:  How do you catch a unique rabbit.    Me:  . i don't know.    Dad:  'Unique' up on it.  How do you catch a tame rabbit.    Me:  (Still rolling my eyes at the first punch line) i don't know.     The 'tame' way","Unique up on it"695"So a teen asks his crush to the prom, which she agrees to On the day of the prom, he goes to pick up his suit.  However, once he gets there, there’s a line, so he waits. and waits. and waits.   After he gets his suit, he goes to get her corsage.  When he gets to the flower shop, however, there’s an even bigger line, so he waits. and he waits. and he waits.   Once he had the corsages, he made his way to her house, but the roads were packed so he had to wait in line for the turnoff.  So he waited. and waited.   Finally, he reaches her house, picks her up, and drives her to prom.  But there’s a line to get into the school, so they wait.  and wait.   At last, they are in the prom and dancing away.  After a while, they get thirsty.  So they head for the refreshment table and","There’s no punch line"696"I just recently discovered this subreddit, so I'm sorry if it's a repost http://m. imgur","com/qrjFGOs"697"What do you call a Japanese man with $10,000","A Mill-yen-aire"698"Why did the hipster burn his tongue","Because he ate his pizza before it was cool"699"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear","Sneakers"700"Whats the difference between snowmen and snowwomen","Snowballs"701"A child has some feelings boy: “Mom, dad.  I don’t feel comfortable in this body.  I’m not a girl”  dad: “I understand dear.  I have one question though. ”  boy: “What is it","”  dad: “Does that make me a- a- a transparent"702"I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today","I was at the shopping maul"703"Why don't the baby squid like to play with the baby hermit crab","They think he's shellfish"704"What do you call Santa's little helpers.  Subordinate Clauses","Merry Christmas"705"My son dad joked my dad.  My dad was setting my son up to use the potty at his house.   Son:  sometimes I pee and my pee goes the wrong way   Dad:  ohh well, then what does your mom do","Son:  she pees just normal"706"Why is 6 afraid of 7","(The answer is not what you're thinking) Not what you're thinking"707"My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer","I told him it's much easier to woo a cake"708"I have a serious problem.  I just have to slap everyones ass, as soon as I see them Last week, I was out walking when i met Dwayne Johnson","That's the time I realized I had hit rock bottom"709"Who made King Arthur's round table","Circumference"710"When do jokes become dad jokes","When the punchline becomes apparent"711"C, E-flat and G walk in to a bar","The bartenders says sorry we don't allow minors in here"712"Two termites walk into a bar","And one of them asks,  is the bartender here?"713"I always avoid the gym for the first 3 weeks of the year. Which is really no different than what","I do on the other 49 weeks"714"What it the capital of Hungary","Starving"715"I have no need for a pocket calculator","I almost always know how many pockets I have"716"What are the chocolate bar's preferred pronouns","Her-She"717"I hate the alphabet so much,. I'm thinking about burning an. F or","G."718"Told my dad that the cat caught a. June bug. He responded with  I guess it will never be a","July bug"719"What do you call it when a pirate climaxes an","Arrgasm."720"A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchens where a brother is frying chips…   Are you the friar.   he asked.   The brother replied  No","I'm the chip monk"721"What does Olive Garden serve on Halloween","Fettuccini Afraid-O"722"cutting bell peppers wife: I need you to cut out the seeds from these bell peppers  me: why do you want them to be trees.   wife: wat","me: that would make them de-seed-uous  wife: >:^("723"Mocking birds are terrible at social media","All they ever do is retweet"724"My wife came up with this classic - What do you call a sick bird from Mars","An ill eagle alien  Our five year old animal enthusiast obviously didn't get it, but she was very proud of herself for making it up"725"My family must be getting tired of listening to me talk about creating computer parts","I made my own mother bored"726"When I gave my dad his 51st father's day card he told me","to stop re-posting this used joke, and get some actual talent"727"My friend got mad at me yesterday and I don't know why","He had just picked up a sewing machine and was telling me how exited he was to start sewing, so naturally I asked: Sew what"728"MySpace Dad Joke So this happened to me a loooong time ago when MySpace was still a thing.  I was about 15 at the time.     I'm sitting at the computer browsing MySpace when my dad comes up behind me.    Dad: Hmm.  Is that MySpace.   Me: Uhh.  Yeah.   Dad: NO.  That's YOURspace","Hahahahhahah"729"One from my Archaeologist pop.  Dad: *picking up a regular rock*  You know this is a Native American sexstone.  Me: How come","Dad: It's just a fucking rock"730"I ate a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat","I've ever had"731"My girlfriend and I aren't planning on having kids, but I'm getting my practice in, just in case.  http://i. imgur. com/HzvDgNN","png"732"A podiatrist is alone in the woods","He hears a strange rustling in the bushes and says   Something is afoot"733"A Russian couple is arguing about the weather.  One says it is raining, the other says it is simply a mist.    To settle their dispute, they stop and ask a guard outside the Kremlin for his opinion.     Rudolph, please help us with this disagreement.  Is it raining, or not.    Rudolph replies,  It is raining.     I knew we could depend on you, Comrade","You see,  he says to his partner,  Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"734"Why are wasps nastier than bees","Because they can't beehive"735"“May I have your finest scotch please. ”, I asked the guy behind the counter","“It’s just a roll of tape, sir,” said the cashier at Staples"736"I may be overweight, but. I care about fitness","Fit’ness pizza in my mouth"737"Why does Santa's balls hurt","He only gets to empty his sack once a year"738"I was fired from my cozy government job for wearing a tank top","I forgot that you’re not allowed to bring guns on government property"739"What does a Russian aircraft do when its engines get too cold","It starts Stalin"740"What did one eye say to the other.   ya know","Between you and me, something smells"741"My 2 year old got into the act This morning, as I was getting dressed, my 2 year old son said to me,  I'm hungry.    I went for the easy joke,  Hi hungry, I'm dad","Without missing a beat, he replied:  hi dad, I'm hungry"742"He cracked up at this one.  Me: My phone died","Dad: Have you tried CPR: Cell Phone Resuscitation"743"Next time I take my daughter to get yearly check up, I'm keeping my mouth shut As I approached the counter at my 8 year old's clinic, the nurse asks  are you here for an appointment.   I replied without hesitation & confusion  umm, no my daughter is","The blank stare was enough"744"What style of music ocean creatures like the most","Aquapella"745"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high","She looked surprised"746"Every naked person I see, turns me on","Said the shower head"747"My wife was surprised to see me wearing a sombrero in all my high school graduation photos","I had to explain— it was my Senor year"748"A father cooks dinner.  Dad : I'm going to put a chicken pie in the oven for dinner.    Son : How long will it be until it's cooked","Dad : About 20cm, but it will still be the same size when it's cooked"749"New species of gazelle found jumps higher than the average house","Mainly because the average house cannot jump"750"Why is racism okay on a Mac","It's not P"751"I would tell you a pun about gymnasts, but","It’s a bit of a stretch"752"What's a duck's favorite drug","Quack cocaine"753"A log was lying to a lumberjack","But they saw right through it"754"Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying  Employees must wash hands","But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine"755"Autumn is most people's favorite season","It is like it is the de-fall-t"756"I. Asked. My. Dad. What. His. Goal. Was. Response:","To live for ever, or die trying."757"Why is waking up at 3AM like a pigs tail","It's Tw'early"758"I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard","I said toucan play that game."759"After my first child was born I went to have a drink with my father.  He said to me  Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this .    Dad, you don't mean the.     Yes son , he interrupted, as he handed me the first five editions of '1001 Dad Jokes'.    With the tears welling in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I said  Dad, I'm honoured","Well hello Honoured, I'm Dad"760"When dad gets home from the hospital.  So my pops is in the hospital pretty often lately, but he seems to still have a sense of humor about it.  While I was eating dinner with him, he told me a story of his triumph earlier.   A nurse walks into his room, and tells him she's going to take his vitals.   He looks her straight in the eye and says,  Sure, as long as you give them back when you're done with them","I look over at him and sigh the longest sigh I have all day, haha"761"Why do cows have hooves and not feet","Because they lactose"762"My. Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him. Eventually","I folded"763"My dad's anti-jokes What do you call an alpaca on the moon.    An alpaca  What time do dogs take their coffee breaks.   They don't","Dogs don't have jobs"764"My friend asked if. I’ve ever seen space jam","I told him that it happens every now and                                                       then"765"Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle","It’s Eeleagle"766"What did the chair say to the other chair","My legs hurt"767"My girlfriend found out today she was using the less common spelling for describing an outgoing person, but insisted she would keep using it anyways","I told her it was nothing but an extra version"768"So my Dad got out of the shower.  He turns to me and says  Hey, what is the best way to care for a layered haircut.   I said I didn't know and he responds with","No more tiers shampoo"769"Dad joked the janitor at my new job I was in the elevator with the janitor, who was cleaning the glass inside the elevator","I looked at her and said  I bet this job has it's ups and downs    She didn't even chuckle :("770"My dad asked me why I had a pair of socks in my glove compartment.  “You never know when you’ll need a dry pair of socks” I told him","“Sure you do, when the ones your wearing get wet"771"Had a triple whammy on my girlfriend the other night.  We had went out for a nice and polite Canadian supper, and after looking at the menu for a while.  Her- Wow the penny lane sounds good.    Me- Meh,  I'm more of a nickel or dime lane kinda guy.    Her- Wow. was that worth it.    Me- Well its called the penny lane, and we don't use pennies as currency anymore, so no, it wasn't worth anything.     Her- . You're crazy.    Me- You better send me to looney lane then","Groans followed"772"My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying  This isn't working, goodbye  What a liar","I opened the fridge and it's working just fine"773"What is the almost coolest vegetable","Rad-ish"774"What do you call when you mix up ‘what’ with ‘who’","An English teacher"775"So I had this conversation with a friend He asked:  What's your favorite movie.    I answered:  It's About Time   And then he asked:  What's the movie about.    I replied:  It's about time   Lastly, he asked:  When should I stop asking questions that have the same answers","I answered:  It's about time"776"I told my son he should tuck a ruler beneath his pillow","It's good to know how long you sleep"777"My second grade daughter got me today","Daughter:  Hey Daddy, I got this new water bottle and it makes a cool noise   Me:  Hey, that's pretty cool, it sounds like a dolphin   Daughter:  I know, I'm doing it on porpoise  Me:  :rolleyes:   Daughter *smirk* *giggle*  *guffaw*"778"Growing up. I wanted to be a comedian. But,","I was afraid everyone would laugh at me"779"Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.  It’s 90108  ^","for ^our ^^lives ^^^to ^^^be ^^^over"780"What did the mountain climber name his son","Cliff"781"Crazy news; four pro football players arrested in. Pittsburgh today. They were","Steelers"782"The cops are warning us about a serial killer who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts","The police are saying that he’s still at large"783"When is it time to see the dentist","Tooth hurty"784"What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture","A humi-ditty"785"We were learning about musicians during the Baroque era when someone stopped the class to ask.   Sir, I can't really get a Handel on all of this, can we go Bach a bit","I laughed, teacher rolled his eyes and kept talking as if it was never asked"786"My daughter was just gifted some avocado socks for her bday.  I told her  Now when you wear them, you can go for a guac .  Growns all around the house","Success"787"What does Japanese bull say just before killing someone with its horns","Omaewa moo shindeiru"788"My son asked me if I was free this weekend","I said that I wasn't, but that I am on discount on weekdays"789"Dad joking the news I listen to the news on the radio in the morning.   Any time they mention the World Health Organization, I frown and say  Who.  , whether or not anyone's around to hear it","Years later, I still find this funny"790"Dad, did you lose weight.    Yes","Help me find it"791"What do you call a 60 year old Avatar","Boomer-Aang"792"Time flies like the wind","And fruit flies like bananas."793"Sometimes. I tell my color blind friend what my vision is like","He's yellow with envy."794"The judge at my trial found me guilty of being egotistical","I am appealing"795"I finally got my wife to watch Back to the future","I told her it's about time"796"My dad asked me why. I didn't think the mountains were funny","After all, they're pretty hill areas."797"The weirdest thing happened today","First I picked up a hat with money in it Then I got chased by a guy with a guitar"798"What made Skrillex stop fishing.  He would always drop the bass.    P","Joke only works in text format"799"When the power of Dads combine.  My dad took early retirement, and promptly joined a group called the [neighborhood's name] Men of Leisure.     We had one of the other members, King Charming (because he's too old to be a prince), over for dinner one night","About halfway through the meal, my dad hits him with  You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her read    I thought I was going to watch that old man die"800"My dad celebrated last night with a glass of  white wine  http://i. imgur. com/WErRsZV","jpg  Most people would call it  milk"801"Why do all cobblers go to heaven","Because they spend their lives mending broken soles"802"What did the Mexican with two penises name them","Jose and Hose B"803"Yesterday,. I told my friend a chemistry joke","But there was no reaction"804"Which of the Spice Girls can carry the most petrol","Gerry can"805"I like country and rap","Some people call it crap"806"If I were to ramble on about everything there is to know concerning Indian leavened bread","would that be total naansense"807"Wedding night  So a young lady just got married and was staying in her mum's house.  She was always told to wait and save herself till married.  And that's what she did.  She went upstairs to the bedroom with her husband to do newly wedded things.  Her husband takes off his shirt and he has a very hairy chest.  Young lady runs downstairs to her mother and says  mummy he has a very hairy chest, what do I do  her mother replied  all good men have hairy chests go upstairs and he'll take care of you it will be alright  she goes upstairs again and sit on the bed.  He then takes off his trousers exposing his hairy legs.  Once again the young lady run down stairs to a mother  mummy he has very hairy legs, what do I do  the mother replied  all good men have hairy legs go upstairs and he'll take care of you it will be alright  so still upstairs once again.  He then proceeds to take off another item of clothing.  His socks.  She notices that her husband only had 2 toes on one foot","Once again she wants downstairs to her mother  mummy he's got a foot and a half  the mother replied  you stay and cook dinner, don't worry darling mumny will take care of this one for you  😂😂😂😂😂"808"I watched a documentary today on how planes are put together","It was riveting"809"Why did the youth pastor show show his kids a horror movie","To scare the hell out of them"810"why couldn’t the bike stand up","because it was two tired"811"Why do defibrillators amaze people","They're just shocking at heart"812"Hi. No,","I'm not, but thanks for asking."813"Saw a sign at the store that said  used batteries","I'm guessing they were free of charge."814"I got my dad yesterday","I picked him up at the airport"815"Today I threw two drums and a cymbal off a cliff","Ba Dum Tssss"816"Got my wife just now.  Her: dadgummit  Me: hey.  I don't gummit. I chew it","Her: uuugh"817"What do cows call their clothes","Moo"818"Why is the kid from Toy Story so good at repairing his toys","Because he's very Andy"819"What’s the worst part about cloning sheep","Falling asleep while taking inventory"820"Thor is a terrible singer","he could never hit the low key"821"How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb.  Is it 1.  Or 2","or 2"822"I I couldn’t get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead","I hope to become a bouillionaire"823"I bought a new weed-whacker today","It's cutting hedge technology"824"'My client is trapped inside a penny, your honor' 'What","'  'He's in a cent"825"Wow Dad, you got a haircut.   Dad:  Nope","I actually got them all cut"826"Girlfriend got me good earlier Back story: I'm at a shop getting my car put on a dyno.  A dyno measures the power output.  I didn't tell my girlfriend but she knew I was planning on getting it done soon.    Me: I'm in *neighboring city*  GF: what are you doing there.   Me: car stuff  GF: are you getting a stegosaurus  Me: what.    GF: I thought you were getting a dino","Me: ohmygod"827"My wife refuses to go to Karaoke with me","I have to duet alone"828"Best place to self-reflect is. A","Mirror."829"What do you call a sleepwalking nun","A Roman Catholic"830"What's Brown and Sticky","A stick"831"2 wrongs don't make a right. But 2","Wright's make a hell of an airplane"832"Why was the mushroom invited to the party","Because he was a fungi"833"I’ve got this awful disease where. I can’t stop telling airport jokes","My doctor says it’s terminal."834"I bought two reindeer for only a dollar each and thought I got a great deal .  But it turns out they were two deer.  Still, it was only a couple of bucks","To be honest, I feel like I have more doe now than before"835"Got dad joked by 13 yr old girl foster kid. Where do dogs hate to go shopping","Flea market"836"It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone.  But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them","I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that"837"How did the vacuum cleaner die","It bit the dust"838"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour","He had a reptile dysfunction"839"So, it's 3am, I'm at Denny's.  The bill comes, and after a night of heavy drinking all anybody has left is loose change.    We (about 6 people) split up the bill and count our change onto the table.    Waitress comes by, sees that were settling the bill, and she says,  do you guys need any change","Without missing a beat my bearded husky inebriated friend returns,  yes, dimes and nickles will suffice   The waitress was not amused"840"The. Guy. Who. Invented. The. Train","His invention moved a lot of people"841"My son insisted his nails were already cut and I didn't have to trim them.  I asked if I could just double-check his hand.  http://i. imgur. com/bAuV8Nh","png"842"Why do dwarfs laugh when they run","Because the grass tickles there balls"843"I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor.  He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.  I said, “Well","2B or not 2B"844"A perfect dad joke for Father's Day Me: See, if I wasn't here, you would have never exsisted.    Daughter: Ok, Dad.  But Mom was the one who really made me.   Me: Hey, I had a little bit of input","*Pause*  Daaaaaaad"845"What does a mechanical frog say","Rivet"846"Start my new job as a hairdresser in Jamaica tomorrow","I'm dreading it"847"What’s Dean Martin’s favorite Eel","That’s a Moray"848"It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub.  And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house","The difference is staggering"849"If your phone autocorrects  f***  to  duck  its okay to keep it","Because it's still fowl language  *This is an x-post from r/jokes dont be pissed*"850"I bought a porn mag company and I'm making it into a Christian magazine","I'm still working out a few kinks"851"What do you call an assassin that kills in summer","The heat-man"852"Dogs like chewing on sticks","Because their mouths are made for barks"853"What is the most famous coffee brand for birds","Nest-cafe"854"I was going to see if I could sneak a regular joke in but it's like a field of corn in here","It's all ears"855"Doctor: I will be delivering your baby","Parents: Actually, we want him to keep his liver please"856"An observant but not-so-trustworthy friend of mine dropped by my fowl farm yesterday","He took a gander"857"This has been a common occurrence with my dad since childhood.  Note: We are from Syria.    Every time someone asks my dad  Are you serious.  , no matter how ridiculously tense the situation is.  He will reply,   No, I'm Syrian",":l"858"What do you call a group of baboons","A Congress"859"I have a phobia of German sausage","Yes, I fear the wurst"860"I invited a bunch of rappers to my party.  Most of them showed up, but Notorious B.  couldn't make it.  That's ok","No biggie"861"A man in Yorkshire, England forgot about his appointment at the sperm bank","When he finally arrived, the person at the desk told him, “Ejaculate”"862"What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce","Chicken sees a salad"863"I have finally made it I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son.  Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence","I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life"864"I once had crush on a pastry chef","Turns out she didn’t have any fillings for me"865"Tom Hanks walked into a wind tunnel","The wind tunnel says to him  It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Hanks, I'm a huge fan"866"So I go to the zoo with my dad.  We're in the Australian zone and my dad turns to me and asks,  What do baby kangaroo brothers call each other.","Roo-mates"867"There’s still a lot to be discovered about. Mars","We’ve only scratched the surface"868"Genie: What is your final wish.  Boy: I wish I were you","Genue: weurd but alrught"869"Never iron a four leaf clover","You don’t want to press your luck"870"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great Food, No Atmosphere"871"Shakespeare must have been a dad.  From othello:  Cassio:Dost thou hear, my honest friend","Clown: No I hear not your honest friend, I hear you"872"Smart-ass optometrist","See if eye care"873"Charles Dickens walks into a bar.  And asks for a martini    .","The barman says  Olive or Twist"874"The mayor of Saint Paul passed a law banning large soft drinks","Now if you want one you have to get a Minnesota"875"Had dinner with the future father in law last night And I looked at my food sighed heavily and put my face in my hands.   Him:  What's going on.    Me:  There's just so much on my plate right now   Then I asked for his daughters hand in marriage","It was a yes"876"Why do Chicken coops only have 2 doors","Because if they have four, they would be chicken sedans"877"Made brownies.  [https://i. imgur. com/4NBo8Yg. jpg](https://i. imgur. com/4NBo8Yg","jpg)"878"Anyone else go to the comedy and philosophy convention last night","Laughed more than I thought"879"Thank. God","I'm atheist"880"Why do cows have hooves and not feet.  Because they","lactose"881"Driving through the mountains While on vacation this past week we would occasionally pass signs [such as this](http://i. imgur. com/yIuxf2z. jpg).   I could never resist the urge to tell everyone in the car to be quiet","Kids loved it; wife, not so much"882"My wife was worried that the fish she bought on Friday weren't swimming together on Saturday I told her not to worry","Saturday's not a school day"883"I asked a pirate  where are you bucaneers","He said  under my buckin hat"884"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged"885"Chinese takeout: $10.  Gas to get there and back: $2","Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless"886"Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own","Because it is two tired"887"Grocery store dadjoke on the girlfriend.  We were walking down the dairy aisle when.   Gf:  Did I pass the butter","Me:  I don't see why you would, I didn't ask for it"888"My Dad won a ham at a meat raffle yesterday, and his friend won a turkey","He looked at me, then said to his friend:   We should start a club"889"What do you call an obvious cow","Predictabull"890"Why do toadstools grow so close together","They don't need mushroom"891"My time in the mafia served me well","I got so good with scarves, they started calling me scarf ace."892"I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks","For keeping me off the streets"893"What did the river say to the sea","Don't be salty"894"Girlfriend got herself today My girlfriend broke a nail at work today and told me the story after dinner.   GF: I was gonna do my nails tonight but now its pointless.   I chuckled to myself until she realized what she said.  She then called me a dork and left the room","I guess I'm doing the dishes tonight"895"Some people love cats, other people hate them.  The pope is obsessed with them","He’s a cat-a-holic"896"Have you seen the new pen that writes underwater, upside down and in outer space","It writes lots of other words too"897"A cattle farmer has had to pull out of the local marathon","It was due to a calf injury"898"There's a band called 1023MB","They haven't hit any gigs yet"899"Got my daughter. Daughter:  Sorry. I'm late dad","Me:  Better late than pregnant"900"I just stumbled on this subreddit, and I'd like explain why (from an outsider's perspective) this sort of thing is not my cup of tea.  It's because [this](http://i. imgur. com/GDogdTm","png) is my cup of tea"901"Got my wife during shark week. Wife:  I feel funny . Me:  Then tell me a joke . Wife:. As she rolls her eyes  . I mean my insides feel funny  . Me:  Then tell me an inside joke . She just sighed and went to bed while","I chuckled heartily."902"What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo","Clear"903"What happens when you throw a white hat into the red sea","It gets wet"904"got my coworker Today I come into work and my coworker asks to the group  Who put this boomerang on my desk.  To which I replied  hmm I knew.  but I don't know anymore.  it'll come back to me","Edit: I don't know why there was a boomerang at his desk"905"If at first you don't succeed","Don't try skydiving"906"Today at work we had to install doors into 2 double doored closets.  There were only 3 of them so my coworker said  huh, that's odd.     Of course man, if we had 4 it would be even","He did laugh but not as hard as me"907"I went to the zoo today and saw a loaf of bread in one of the enclosures","Turns out it was bread in captivity"908"Did you hear about the messy life story of a statistician","it had a scattered plot"909"Where did the joke wait to get its drink","The punchline"910"Kylo Ren: Dad, how did you get your own standalone movie.  Han: Ben, it's not a standalone movie","It's a Solo movie"911"Don't spend it all in one place","After you give someone a gift card"912"Did you hear about the bird over selling pirated dumbbells","Police fear they'll never be able to apprehend Jacked Sparrow"913"Sign on the espresso machine said,  Coffeemaker not hot","So I wrote,  But has a great personality"914"Arm's reach.  https://imgur","com/a/No35VpC"915"You just can't trust atoms","They make up everything"916"[NSFW] I got into bed with my wife tonight, started rubbing her shoulders and kissing her neck, then she said  I'm tired, Honey.    Nice to meet you,*Tired*, and the name's *Horny*","She groaned so hard I had to go give myself a hand"917"What's that medical condition where you can't sleep and you eat all night instead","Insomnomnomnia"918"What is a ghosts favorite car","A booogati"919"I went to a wedding for two satellites last week","The wedding was average but the reception was incredible"920"Someone broke into my office yesterday, but they only stole my calendar","He was caught and he only got 6 months"921"My wife was helping brush my sons teeth when My wife was helping brush my sons teeth when he turned his head and she accidentally got tooth paste on his nose.  He looked into the mirror and said excitedly,  Mom, I look like I'm Bluedolph the reindeer","I knew there was more than one reason I keep this kid around"922"As a roman emperor, I really like to drink Coca Cola.  The ordinary people","They drink Plebsi"923"Managed to score my first dad joke (dad in training) Yesterday I was able to pull off my first dadjoke.   Someone in my evening class said  I'm tired  and without batting an eye I replied  Hi Tired, I'm Horst.   :)  So yeah, I'm in training - baby is due in december, so I am kind of in bootcamp right now.  Any advice from the more experienced dadjokers","Good next step for me"924"Saw an extremely tall guy at the airport Friend:  Wow, it must be really difficult for him to fly","Me:  You'd think it'd be easier, he has longer arms"925"My mom always laughed when. I said. I'd make a car out of spaghetti. But you should've seen her face when","I drove pasta."926"Why did the scarecrow get employee of the month","Because he was outstanding in his field"927"Have you heard of the band,  1023 Megabytes","No, because they haven't made it to a gig yet"928"I married a pirate with a patch","The one eye love"929"My son told me he had a dream about swimming in an ocean of orange Crush","I asked, “are you sure it wasn’t a Fanta sea"930"Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on the back of their ships","So when they come back home they can Scandinavian"931"Why are people rarely specific when they discuss Confederate leaders","Because they're just talking General Lee"932"In a battle of the numbers, evens were victorious","Against all odds"933"People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks","We really need to raise the bar"934"My son asked me,”can I have a book mark. ” I started crying","15 years and he still doesn’t know that my name is Daniel"935"Dads, thank you First off, happy Father's Day to all of you out there.  My dad likes to joke that it's the least important day of the year and that I'll get it one day.  Maybe I will.  Until then I want to say thank you.    I'm an EMT, my main job is BLS transport.  I'm sure most of you dont know what that means but I'm basically a taxi for the elderly/bedridden.  A lot of my job is treating/transporting people who have no other means to and from dialysis, dr's appointments, radiation, surgery etc.  You can imagine the mentality many of these people have.    I'll be honest, I steal your jokes.  I screenshot them and reuse them with these patients.  So many of them groan and smile and begrudgingly enjoy your jokes.  Often they get annoyed because they,  should have guessed the answer  and wrinkle their brow and spend minutes at the next joke just to hear the answer to,  what's blue and isnt very heavy at all .  I damn near cracked when someone said,  the sky , I mean, that's not wrong, right.  These people have everything in the world going against them, but everyone react the same to a good dad joke.    Anyway, these jokes all of you have blessed this sub have made a huge impact on not only my life, not only my patients lives, but the way I interact with people in general.  So I want to say thank you.  You all have made a serious impact on people's lives.  A patient who otherwise was borderline mute with others felt comfortable enough after a few of y'alls jokes to tell me she was horribly mistreated at home, she was missing treatments and was on a fast track to her grave.  Now, after a few Social Services visits I see her every week at her treatments and shes bright eyed and happier than anyone I know.    To all Fathers, Mothers, Brothers Sisters, Sons, Daughters whomever you may be adding to this sub.  You all do more than just post jokes","thank you"936"I'm going to get. LASIK surgery done next year","I'm looking forward to 2020 vision."937"We had neighbors just move in This morning I was told from my mom that we had some new neighbors moving in and the husband was from Russia and had an insanely strong Russian accent.    Anyways, fast forward 10 hours and we were pulling into our house and I see the man outside walking down his driveway and I say to my mom and dad,  Is he Russian.   in which my dad terribly replies  I don't think so","It looks like hes walking pretty slowly"938"Who decided to call it a  dad-bod","A  father-figure  would have been much better"939"Why are doctors fed-up with the American Health Care Act","Because they're losing their patients"940"What did one plate say to the other","Dinner is on me"941"What Do You Call A Paper Company Full Of Hot Moms","Dunder Milflin"942"Did you hear about the kid who graduated college at 16 years old","He’s so bright, his father calls him Son"943"My friend said he was studying abroad I said, c'mon man","*lady"944"What animal should you never play cards with","A cheetah"945"What did the Spanish farmer tell his dad before moving to the city","Ciudad"946"If you regret your vote in 2016, don't worry about it","Hindsight is 2020"947"I've been hearing this one all my life.  Me: Hey dad, what time is it","Dad: Same time it was yesterday 24 hours later"948"Having two  Nicks  in the office Just heard this from a fellow coworker a few minutes ago:  I work on a team that have two  Nicks  in the office.  One works in tech support and the other is a paralegal.  We all work in the same vicinity.  My supervisor was showing her frustration about a program that was not working right and she immediately asked for Nick (tech Nick).  Paralegal Nick answered her call but she said that she it was asking for the other Nick","My coworker, without a beat, said,  We might need to come up with new nicknames"949"Is it a dad joke if my 6 year old daughter came up with it.   Daddy, why did the chicken eat the road","Because it was hungry"950"Does anyone here want a free iPhone 11.  If so, contact me","We can then talk about how we both want a free iPhone"951"There is a new type of broom out there","Its sweeping the nation"952"When someone says an idle  so","My dad says  buttons"953"Why are elevator jokes so good","They work on so many levels"954"I got a pastry for. Denmark. It was a","Danish danish"955"How do you top a car","You tep on da brakes, tupid"956"I did a good deed today.  I saw a homeless man living in a tyre and I punctured it.  How is that a good deed you ask","Well now he lives in a flat"957"Which came first, the chicken or the egg.  Safety","Remember that safety always comes first"958"What did the German commander say to the ticking clock","Ve haf vays and means of making you tock"959"I have a heart of a lion","And a lifetime ban from the zoo"960"have you checked your mail.  my dad just texted me.   dad: have you checked your mail.   me (going through my mail mostly all junk): for what.   dad: Your mail.   me:","got dang it old man"961"I bought a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as","I got him home he made a bolt for the door"962"I was walking past a prison the other day and saw a midget escaping down the wall.  I waved to him, but all he did was flip me off","It was a little condescending"963"What do you say to non-fixed wing aircraft when you first meet them","HelloCopter"964"Grandpa was in tears after telling this one.  There was an old man I used to know who lived in Michigan, right on the border of Indiana.  He was always complaining about how bad the winters were up there in Michigan and how good I have it in Indiana.  One day a state surveyor came out to his property and told him that he had resurveyed his property and discovered that his land was in fact in Indiana, not in Michigan like he had always thought.  The old man said  Thank God","I don't have to ever go through another Michigan winter again"965"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket:","You can hide but you can't run."966"I have good news and bad news The good news is, the surgery was a success and I can now see out of my penis","The bad news is, my vision's a bit cockeyed"967"4th of July joke Did you hear about the firecracker that wouldn't explode","It refused"968"What game do you play with a wombat","Wom"969"What do you call dinner that's been pulled out of the freezer a day in advance","A well thawed out plan"970"I'm a soon to be dad so I've been working on my dad jokes.  What do you call a rabbit that gets under your skin","An ingrown hare"971"Daughter got me How can they still be together after all the crap they've been through.   Who","Your buttcheeks"972"What's the difference between. The. Sahara and. Jello","One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert."973"We drove past a city cemetery and my dad remarked, “Do you know why I can’t be buried here, boy. ”  “Why","”  “Because I’m still alive"974"What is an adulterers favorite snack","Cheetos"975"I took the rear view mirrors off my car last week","I'll tell you what, I haven't looked back since"976"My girlfriend asked what. I was doing after. I pick up my glasses","I said  we'll see"977"I was in the gym the other day, when I saw a man get down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend.  Unfortunately she said no","Well that didn't workout"978"What do you call your Mexican nephew","Nacho kid"979"I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong","We've been married 3 years now"980"Do you know why ladders are expensive.  Because they keep going up","Credit: my wife"981"As my wife was preparing dinner I told her what a nice ham she had","But it would be a shame if you put an ‘s’ at the front and ‘e’ at the end"982"Do you have fifty cents.  Because he doesn't.   Context: [Rapper 50 Cent files for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy](http://www. businessinsider","com/50-cent-files-for-bankruptcy-2015-7)"983"Why the boys get stale bread on the roadtrip","Because the bread mold was a fun-gi"984"Mother and some German Sausage Me and my mum were discussing what to have for dinner:  Mum: I recently bought some German sausages, they are the best.    Me: Really","I Thought they would have been the WURST"985"Police joked my boss Boss is up on a ladder looking in the ceiling panels and calls the police chief over.  Boss-  Hey I need someone above me to look at this.   Chief  well who else is up there","The secretary and I both started laughing hysterically"986"I tried to be a tailor, but i just wasn't suited for it","Eh, it was a sew-sew job"987"My dad at a wedding We were at my cousin's wedding when the time came to cut the cake.  My cousin and her new husband made their way over to the cake and tentatively picked up the knife, looking unsure whether to go straight ahead or await further instruction","My dad took the brief pause as his opportunity and piped up with  what's the matter, never done this before"988"On a whim, I went to buy 100 exotic birds last week All my mates took the piss out of me saying that I had more money than sense","But it turned out alright, they were pretty cheep cheep cheep"989"What did the electrician Dad say to his son when the boy came home at 2:00 in the morning","WIRE you INSULATE"990"I just heard my little sister ask my dad if he knows her friend Addi","He said he didn't but asked if she had a sister named Subtracty"991"People said they didn’t like how many inside jokes I knew","So we went outside"992"To all the mothers delivering babies. Happy. Labor","Day!"993"Mom is forcing my dad to take a yoga class with her","He wrote in his registration form,  I don't even know what yoga is - this will be a real stretch for me"994"What does a druggie duck with a speech impediment like to do","Quack"995"The sushi chef located the buzzing noise","It wasabi"996"How does a Catholic gun sound when used to shoot","Pew pew"997"Why should you never trust stairs","They’re always up to something"998"So Mom goes to make a new pot of coffee.  Dad: Did you wash it (the coffee pot).    Mom: Well, yeah.    Dad: But, a washed pot never boils","God damn it, Dad"999"I told my dad about this subreddit He didn't seem impressed.    No fried chicken.   He exclaimed.     Later that night at the table I complained about how dry the chicken was","He handed me the tablet and said,  Sobreadit"1000"I tried to tell the. Egyptian that he was drowning","But he was in denial"1001"Two wrongs do not make a right","But 3 lefts do"1002"A priest goes on a shooting spree","I guess you could call it a mass murder"1003"Why do witches not wear a normal hat","Because there's no point in it"1004"How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol","It was those long distance shots"1005"I asked SIRI why I was still single","She turned on the front camera"1006"What meat does a cannibalistic priest eat on Friday","Nun"1007"my throat is a little raw.   Eating dinner at my friend's house last night with his family.  Their daughter walks in.    Hey hon, how are you.   -Mom   Hey.  I'm okay.  My throat is a little raw.   -Daughter   Well you better cook it","-Dad  I proceeded to laugh out loud while everyone else groaned a little and moved on"1008"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for fresh prints"1009"GF got me with this last night while watching our favorite BBC car show Me:  The cinematography for this show really is top notch","Her:  No babe, it's Top Gear"1010"I overdosed on viagra once","Hardest day of my life"1011"My grandfather was court-martialed from the navy when he fired on a friendly vessel","Oops, wrong sub"1012"Manager:  You're fired","Me:  No, I'm Bob"1013"Helping a friend move.   We should get the mirrors next","Yeah, I can see myself carrying those"1014"I told my dad I burned my buns making hamburgers","He told me to stop sitting on the grill"1015"National. Dad. Conference. Speaker:. I'm glad you could all make it. Whole crowd: *in unison* hi glad you could all make it. We're dad. Speaker: *Puts up a pic of","ID on big screen showing legal name is  glad you could all make it *    *entire conference loses their shit*"1016"How about that actor who played the role of a U-haul truck","I heard his performance was moving"1017"What is a pirates favorite type of ghost","A spectarr"1018"Harry. Potter became vegan,","Now he speaks parsleytongue"1019"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.  That's almost $7","00 in dog money"1020"Fun fact: Every dictionary has at least 1 mistake in it.  In the M section, right after mist","​  ​  ​  Thanks HAI"1021"A group of monks started a business outside the playboy mansion.  They opened up a stand selling flowers, but Heff called the 5-0 and got them shut down.  They said they would've gotten away with it anywhere else","But I guess only Hugh can stop florist friars"1022"What happens when you cross a soda can with a frog","Croaka-Cola"1023"Just burned 2000 calories today","I won’t forget to remove the brownies from the oven next time."1024"I left my family to live in an ice cream shop","I'm now known as a deserter"1025"I make bad science puns","but only periodically"1026"Why is Spider-Man so acrobatic","Because his real name is Peter Parkour"1027"How heavy was the world's biggest dumpling","Wonton"1028"Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans","They run at 100 feet a second"1029"How do fleas travel from animal to animal","They itch hike"1030"We could have played a game that was riveting","but since non of use were any good at metal-work we played some basketball instead"1031"TIL they don't cook. French fries in. France. They cook them in","Greece."1032"I got my dad with a good one the other day.  I walk in the living room and the TV shows hail pounding down and covering a yard like snow.   My dad says,  This is in *Texas*, how could they get so much hail down there","Hail, I don't know,  with a southern twang"1033"What do you get if you cross a baby with a soldier","Infantry"1034"My friend used to eat feathers","She quit after she got down in the dumps."1035"Saw a girl with 12 nipples today","Sounds weird, dozen tit"1036"Why don't they play poker in the jungle","Too many cheetahs"1037"Returning home from the barber, had a true old man moment today.  My kid: “Hey dad, did you just get a hair cut. ” “No son, I got them ALL cut. ”  The cycle is complete","I have become my father"1038"Did Jesus pay for our sins in credit or debit","Neither, he used praypal (Not originally mine its really old and i cant remember where i saw it, so the credit goes to that unsang hero)"1039"You got to hand it to short people","They probably can't reach it anyways"1040"Got my 11-month-old this morning Changed her diaper and was getting her back into her pink pants.    Looked at her and said,  you're like a precious diamond to me.  Like a little Pink Pants-er","She has no idea what I said, but giggled anyway"1041"Where does a pencil go to take a vacation","Pennsylvania"1042"what does a pepper do when it's mad at you","it gets jalepeno face"1043"Have you heard about dry erase boards","They're remarkable"1044"What do you call a serpent that tells on you","A tattlesnake"1045"why is Yoda only 99% sure of anything","Because only a Sith deals in absolutes"1046"I asked my chef friend how hard it would be to make a stir-fry in a meadow","He said it was just a wok in the park"1047"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged"1048"What is space like without a space suit","Breathtaking"1049"He nearly fell off the roof laughing so much.  Father working on the roof.  Wind blows the ladder over.   Him - Well It3mUs3r, I guess this means I'm counting on you now","Me - Don't worry Dad: I won't let you down"1050"A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market","An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”"1051"Why did the blind man fall into the well","Because he couldn't see that well"1052"A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers  1.   His father said  Hey.  What are you doing.  Get off of there.   His son replied  Dad - don't let me down","I'm counting on you"1053"What's better than a bag of shredded cheese at 3am","2 bags of shredded cheese at 3am"1054"Why is the Kool-Aid man able to break all those walls","Because he's made of  Punch"1055"Matthew. McConaughey is for. Matthew","McConaughorses."1056"Got my students today I'm explaining problem solving to my HS freshmen physical science class and I get to the part about the formula, which I call a  relationship .   I say that I, personally, am in a long term relationship with my ex-girlfriend.    I thought you were married  a bunch shout out.   I am, my wife used to be my girlfriend.   Groans ensued, but the best part was one young lady shaking her head saying  I hate you so much Mr","RichardCranium_"1057"I was never close to my dad when he died","Which was lucky really because he stepped on a landmine"1058"Never expected to get rich when. I started making statues of divine beings in religions. But","I am making prophets."1059"Why must all your father's jokes be dadjokes","because he's a groan man"1060"What did dinosaurs have that no other animals had","Baby dinosaurs"1061"I’m working for a charity that provides support for elderly grapes","My job is in raisin awareness."1062"So my dad noticed a breeze.  Dad:  Sorry guys, but your computers might shut off.    Me:  Why.  Is the power going out.    Dad:  I'm closing windows.    Me:  Really dad","Dad:  I saw a window of opportunity"1063"I went to a zoo and they had a brioche roll in a cage","It was bread in captivity"1064"Why did the octopus cross the road","To get to the other tide"1065"yummy. So the","I said  *If you think that snowcone is lemon flavored urine for a surprise! *"1066"Did you hear about the sick bird","He had owlergies"1067"What's worse than ants in your pants","Uncles in your pants"1068"Helped my son get my wife Me:  What does a horse say.    4 y/o:  Neigh.    Me:  Horses are neigh-sayers.    4 y/o:  Yup.   Runs into the other room.   Horses are neigh-sayers","(Laughs hysterically)  Wife, not impressed:  What are you teaching him"1069"A Seal-y Riddle Q.  What starts with  e,  ends with  e,  and contains one letter.   A","An envelope"1070"What do you call an optimistic rhino","A rhiyes"1071"My little brother was messing with my grandfather in the car.  Bro:  You don't even know, old man.  I get so many girls.    Gdad:  Not with that face you don't.    Bro:  What's wrong with my face.    Gdad:  Egg-Zachary disease.    Bro:  Egg-Zachary disease.    Gdad:  Yeah, your face looks eggzachary like your rear","Bro:"1072"I have just been diagnosed as being color blind","I know, I know, it’s certainly come out of the purple"1073"My wife walked in to see that our boys had built a fort in the living room.  She shouted, ''PUT THOSE CHAIRS AND BEDSHEETS BACK.   I yelled,  YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER","as I climbed out of fort…"1074"How big is the difference between a man and a woman","There's a vas deferens"1075"Customer asked if we had any,  good buys","I told him,  See ya"1076"Told my dad it cost me $1200 to get my septic tank emptied","He said  no shit"1077"Not trying show off. Last night","I completed a puzzle in 1 hour and the box said 2-4 years."1078"Happy Ballet Day.  It's 2/2","Plie have a good one"1079"What's E.  Short For","Because he only has 2 tiny legs"1080"What kind of cake do you get at McDonalds","A stomachache"1081"If you're injured, call the law offices of.  Passing a billboard for the law offices of Powell, Powell, and Powell, I said to my wife,  Those are the attorneys I would call.     Why","They're obviously the most Powell-ful firm in town"1082"What type of horse has the best vision","A Sea Horse"1083"What’s a seamstress’s favorite beverage","SEWda  This joke had my mum in stitches"1084"The perfect outfit can make a good day great https://i. redd. it/32qkvjdpobk21","jpg"1085"Define a percussion instrument","Beats me; I have no idea"1086"My son broke his foot My son broke his foot a couple days ago and we were out buying his school supplies and he looks at me and says,  Son: my foot is tired  Me: you should give it a break","😁😁😁 but you already tried that"1087"I was talking to my uncle about building a PC, and we got into an argument about how much RAM was sufficient. my dad, out of nowhere popped this pearler  Ive got a problem with my RAM.","It's Missing a horn"1088"I call my gas pedal 'Vincent'","Because it makes my van go."1089"Why did the printer go to the gym","To get toner"1090"What do ghosts do to stay fit","They exorcise"1091"Kid and I go to doctor check up.  He was down to his Avengers underoos and feeling fantastic, nailing every test the doctor threw at him.  Look at the light.  “no prob” Say ahhh.  “AHHHHH”…OK on the ground now.  Can you touch your toes “you got it”, Jump up and down.  “nailed it” ok can you stand on one foot. pause…. he proceeds to walk over to the doctor and stand with both his feet on top of her left shoe, hanging onto her leg for dear life.  The doctor was crying she was laughing so hard.  My boy was so proud of himself, he came back over to me with the biggest smile on his face and I gave him the biggest, most well deserved high five of his life","Love that freakin kid"1092"Where do I go if I want my head chopped into four pieces","The headquarters"1093"I got a joke about a functioning alcoholic","The punchline works, but it gets a lot of booze"1094"My dad in the cinema A good few months ago, my dad and I were at the theatre watching The Hobbit Part 2: The Desolation of Smaug.   As the movie finished and Smaug flew towards Laketown, my dad said loudly,  Well this is really draggin' on","I groaned"1095"What do you call a female turtle.  Thanks dad","A clitortoise"1096"I texted my dad while golfing today [Here's the screenshot](http://imgur","com/V8H7tH6)"1097"Mom asks dad when her cat scan appointment is .  Dad: ''I'm doing a cat scan right now.  *Points to cats as he scans kitchen* 1, 2. ''  This was about ten years ago","It's still a classic"1098"I left my. Adderall in my. Ford. Fiesta. Now it's a. Ford","Focus"1099"Every time I finish a meal Me- so full.  I'm done","Dad-  you're not dumb you just don't try hard enough  Me- Dad, I'm finished Dad-No honey you aren't Finnish you're American"1100"Asked to borrow a belt from my dad yesterday.  I asked my Dad if I could borrow his brown belt.  He said sure, but when I tried it on the prong went 4in past the last hole.   Me:  Dad, it's too big   Dad:  What.  Let me see that","*puts belt on himself and hooks into the second loop*  Dad:  I don't know what you're talking about, this fits just fine"1101"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days","Dunno, they're just a bit shady"1102"How do you approach angry, Welsh cheese","Caerphilly"1103"How to stay dry during rainy weather","Don't go outside"1104"I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock struck midnight","Same shit, different day"1105"I saw my friend yesterday setting fire to his University of Phoenix degree","He was hoping that a better one would rise from its ashes"1106"When you die which body part dies the last","Your pupils, they dilate"1107"My son asked me for some. Preposition. H","He said his vowels hurt"1108"Man, I swear something is wrong with my left hand","It never does anything right"1109"My left nut thinks it's much better than my right nut","He can be very egotesticle"1110"My dad hit me with this one a few days ago.  We're thinking about getting a dog.  A vizsla.  I thought it was pronounced  Vee-sla   Me: What are we going to name the viszla","Dad: Mastercard"1111"They grow up so quickly Just know my daughter asked:  What's for dinner.    I said,  Food.    She then said:  What kind of food.    Not letting me speak, she answered herself:  I know, the type I eat","Brings a tear to a poppa's eye"1112"What do you call a religious bag of weed","Holy smokes"1113"What did The Proclaimers name their dog","500"1114"Why shouldn't you use “Beef stew” as a password","Because it's not stroganoff"1115"What are they teaching kids these days.  My 2 year old little girl was sitting at the kitchen table eating her dinner.  It was me and my wife and her, just chilling.  So, she drops her napkin on the floor and I pick it up and hand it to her, to which she says thank you daddy.  So, I ask her if she can say thank you in spanish.    Thank you daddy, in spanish   I almost choked on my meal I laughed so hard, and my wife groaned","I have never been prouder"1116"Check your balance. I was in a bank and an old lady asked me to check her balance","I pushed her over"1117"I would just like to take the time out of your day to give a shout-out to the sidewalks","For keeping us off the streets…."1118"Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo","A hippo is a large, heavy mammal, a zippo is a little lighter"1119"What do a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe have in common","Narnia business"1120"I ordered a small nacho appetizer after the wife said  I'll just wait for my food.   but when it got there, of course she wanted some.   So she started reaching and I said,  You can help pay for this, since you want to . chip in","She didnt help pay for it :/"1121"I like most kinds of sausage","but German sausage is just the wurst"1122"My eight year old asked me - papa do you know why I like Fridays.  Me: Is it because you can look forward to the weekend","My kid: No, it is because I like all things fried"1123"Where do you find a cow with no legs","Right where you left it"1124"Had a dream. I was a car last night","Woke up feeling exhausted"1125"I named my horse Mayo","Sometimes Mayo neighs"1126"Why was the chubby doctor always talking about the weather","Because he was a meaty-urologist"1127"Grocery clerk just showed me what's what.  I had got some alfredo sauce for a quick meal this week.  She scanned it and said,  Oh.  Is that Alfredo in there.   I said yes","She said,  Well you better let him out"1128"Did you hear about the two antennas that got married","The reception was amazing"1129"How’s the weather in South America","It’s Chile"1130"Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions","The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion"1131"Why can’t elephants use computers","Because they’re scared of mice"1132"Why does the person putting your groceries in a bag at grocery store always ask where you want your eggs and your loaf of bread","Because baggers can’t be choosers"1133"Have you heard of this thing called masturbation","It really comes in handy"1134"My school used to give out wintergreen lifesavers to students taking standardized tests","But gum is our new tester mint."1135"What does  verbatim  mean.  One of my anklebiters is doing homework and she asked,   >What does  verbatim  mean.   so I had her read it word-for-word out of the dictionary","She was not amused"1136"Got my Dad today Watching a show about Ancient Egyptian tombs  Archeologist:  Temperatures here have reached upwards of 115 degrees Fahrenheit.    Me:  More like Pharaoh-heit","My Dad:  You get your shitty sense of humor from me, I'm sorry"1137"[x-post] random comment in /r/food includes amazing dadjoke Imho, the father of /u/SweatingToilet joins the dadjoke Hall of Fame with this gem.   https://www. reddit","com/r/food/comments/3t402c/roommate_gave_me_a_cutout_from_a_magazine_and/cx31fbt"1138"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon","Food is awesome but there's just no atmosphere"1139"Our printer stopped having brakedowns","I guess you can say it developed a coping mechanism"1140"I don't generally tell dad jokes","but when I do, he still doesn't laugh"1141"What's a pirate's favourite letter","I thought it was C, but things change"1142"Enchiladas are just Americanized BS","Everywhere else they’re centimeteriladas"1143"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for fresh prints"1144"Bus driver. Dad joke. The bus pulled up and had a bit of tree stuck in the door, so. I took it out, as","I got on the driver looks up and says  oh i'm just branching out"1145"I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 3 years.  Come on, guys","I don't have 2020 vision"1146"Hey, would you look at that","That"1147"Husband just dropped this on our son.  For context we have a pair of Guinea fowl and a pair of pheasants that have a coop in our back yard.    5 year old son, husband and I discussing our birds.   Son: So are our birds married.   Me: Yes, didn't you get an invitation.  Son: No.  Maybe there wasn't room in their coop","Husband: I heard the officiant was a cardinal, and the live entertainment was flock of seagulls"1148"My wife got me with a good Krakatoa dad joke We were talking about the eruption of Krakatoa.  I was going on about how the sound circled the earth 4 times, and how it was so loud it burst the eardrums of sailors 40 miles away.  Without missing a beat my wife said  Krakatoa.  More like Krakaneara","She's got better dad jokes than me, I'm failing my daughters"1149"I read the obituaries every day","I’m amazed that everyone manages to die in alphabetical order"1150"Why don't jazz musicians use guns","Because they jam"1151"My wife has arranged a tour of the Weetabix factory for my Birthday","I just can't wheat"1152"So my dad took me to dinner yesterday .  (true story) He ordered a chicken breast entree.  The waitress said,  Ok, and you get two sides with that.    And he said,  I already have two sides, see.  Left side","Right side"1153"I finally got my license. But","I don't h🥑"1154"Some people say. I’m too “patronizing” (That means","I treat them like they’re stupid)"1155"We were looking at drug prices at work.  Coworker: This is a racket.  How do they justify charging an extra $3000 for something like sodium bicarbonate.   Me: Right.  It's not like it's some fancy, top-secret compound.  It's pretty basic.   My other coworker is a chem major about to enter grad school","He made me go work in the corner for a while after that one"1156"Got the wife her response is why I love her.  So we were talking about plants and I randomly come up with:  If you stab a vampire with a cactus doesn't that make it a succulent steak.   She groans and can't help but giggle as she literally face palms, but complains none the less  I thought you loved me.  I laugh even harder.   You're proud of that aren't you, why you are so proud of that.  When you shit in your hand and throw it at strangers that is nothing to be proud of","Tell you fellers she's a keeper :D"1157"I was addicted to soap but now","I'm clean."1158"What kind of milk does a cow drink","The utter kind"1159"Saw a car late last night pulling into a business for  Restaurant Accounting , wife asked what he was doing there so late.  My reply:  He must be cooking the books","She just stared at me"1160"I told my manager that I'd quit because they weren't giving me enough training.   OK, you know where the door is,  he said","No, I don't,  I replied"1161"How far can a mummy swim","A Nile and a half"1162"My wife asked me how. I managed to sneak candy into the movie theater. I told her","I had a few twix up my sleeve."1163"I've got 2 kids.  One is dumb, the other two are smart","The dumb one doesn't count"1164"How do you make holy water","you boil the hell out of it"1165"A man named Rita * Senorita","* NO, it's senor Rita"1166"My girlfriend and I were talking about driving in foreign countries.  Her:  Urban Italy looks like a bad place to be with a rented car.    Me:  Yeah, I suppose there are some very old & busy cities there.    Her:  I don't know if I could do it.  My Dad drove in Greece and that was bad enough.    Me:  Oof yeah, sounds sketchy.  Though you'd think they'd have cleaned it up by now.    Her:","Me:  The greese"1167"Today. I kicked someone off their chair","They didn't stand a chance"1168"What noise does a bird make when it's sitting on a street","Stweet stweet"1169"Yesterday, I crossed a road, changed a light bulb and walked into a bar","My life is turning into a joke"1170"Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend","And inside a dog it's too dark to read"1171"I was thinking about making a belt out of old wristwatches","But that would be a waist of time"1172"It takes guts to try and manscape your testicles","I guess you can say it also takes balls"1173"Do You know what makes my day","The sun"1174"Like father, like son My brothers come to pick me up from school, so I text me dad that we're headed home.   Dad: Ok.  Take time drive careful, Lee  Me: Will do","Much appreciate, Ed"1175"So I got an anti gravity book the other day","I just can’t seem to put it down"1176"How do you call a presentation about the medieval populous","A peasantation"1177"Got a girl I was talking to on a dating site Her:  I have a vast array of colourful trousers that i plan to extend   Me:  Why how long are your legs","I think my chances with this one just went down  EDIT: Spelling"1178"Dog walks into a bar with a sling and a gun. Bar tender says  we don't serve dogs in this bar","Dog replies  I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"1179"Sitting on the couch and.  Gfs little brother runs up to me with a potato peeler and yells  couch potato","Nice"1180"Why don't teachers give out 'E's in grade school","Because, they're afraid that if they ran out, they'd be in grad school"1181"I brush after every meal","And the dentist thinks my hair is lovely"1182"Two fish Two fish are in a tank","One says to the other:  I'll man the gun, you drive"1183"What do you use to clean up a spill in space","A vacuum cleaner"1184"I was on the phone with my wife and said,  I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.   After a twenty second pause, I asked,  You still there sweetheart.     Yeah…  she replied","But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"1185"I have been looking for an apple I lost a few hours ago","So far, the search has remained fruitless"1186"Me telling my dad I’m bisexual: Me: okay, so.  I would identify as bisexual.   Dad: and that means you would have a male partner  Me: yep  Dad: and a female partner.   Me: yep  Dad: and that means your bi  Me: yep  Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi","Me:  Me:  Me:  Me: did you just"1187"How do priests make holy water","They boil the hell out of it"1188"What do you call a Navy Seal with a prolapsed rectum","bad ass"1189"Why isn't a fleet of helicopters","just called hellacopters"1190"Can't believe he stole my gate.  Got my whole Tafe class with this, thanks to a good setup from a mate.   He says: I can't believe that guy stole your gate.   The class: what the hell.   Me: yeah, I was watering my front lawn, and this bloke walks up to my gate, looks at me, picks my gate up off its hinges and walked off with it.  The class: what.  You didn't say anything.  Me: no, I didn't want him to take a-fence","The class: laughs and groans of disappointment as they realize they fell for it"1191"I’d buy this camo dress for my wife, but","I just couldn’t see her wearing it"1192"How does a Chinese cat greet you","Ni meow"1193"Why should you date a baker","All it takes is flours to get into her pantries"1194"I think I aced the drug test at work today","Nobody got higher than me"1195"My friends aren't talking to me anymore.  Friend 1: He was electrocuted by playing with high tension wires.  Friend 2: Oh my god.  I wonder how much that would hurt.  Me: He was probably in shock","*Friend 1+2 glare*"1196"How was the Roman empire cut in half","With a pair of Caesars"1197"What did the drummer name his twin daughters.  Anna One","…Anna Two"1198"Who is the best cricket player","Batman"1199"When is a door not a door.  When it's ajar","*Source: My dad*"1200"I was writing a text, and Autocorrect changed “killed” to “kilt”.  Well plaid, phone","Well plaid"

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